TBD on Ning
Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole
These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
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TSA is hiring dentists into Supervisor positions. They are needed to perform cavity searches.
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A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location.
The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life.
The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there.
After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
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"If you don't think GOD has a sense of humor turn and look at the person sitting next to you." Jerry Clower
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People don't believe me when I tell them I climbed Mount Everest, but I made it up.
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Preacher who always rode his bike everywhere, to church, to market, to visit members of the congregation was seen walking, one day. When a man with his little boy asked, “preacher, how come you’re not riding your bicycle?” The preacher said, “Someone stole it”, the man then said, ”Well it ought to be easy enough to find out who stole it.” The preacher, asked, “how am I gonna find out, son?” The man the explained, “When you go up to the pulpit this Sunday, preach the 10 commandments and when you get to the eighth commandment, “Thou shall not steal” shout it really loud, stop, then look out onto the congregation, you’re going to find a really nervous Nelly, that’d be the look of guilt, they’ll be the one that stole your bicycle.” the preacher smiled and said, “that’s a good idea.” That Sunday the preacher preached the ten commandments and when he came to the eighth commandment he ripped right through it, finishing it. After church services, the man with his little boy asked,”how come, when you got to the eighth commandment, you didn’t slow down at all?” The preacher said, Because when I got to the seventh commandment, ”Thou shall not commit adultery”, I remembered where I left my bicycle.
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I am a professional house keeper, every time I breakup with a man, I get to keep a house.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
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A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no phone. And not one car had passed along this quiet highway during the 15 minutes that she had pulled over.
Eventually, once she had calmed down, she prayed to the Lord for help. And five minutes later, she heard a loud vehicle, and looked up to see a motorcycle approach, so she waved for help.
The motorcycle rider was an untidy bearded man in shades and bandana, wearing a disreputable studded jacket, filthy jeans and heavy black boots. The rider toed down his side-stand, swung his leg off the saddle, and stood up, reaching for a cigarette. He looked at her and growled: “So what's your story?”
The lady replied “Oh Thank the Lord that you have come! I've locked my keys into my car and all I can do is pray.”
The biker walked up to the car and looked through the window, and sure enough, the keys were hanging in the ignition. He looked around for something to open the door, and spotted a nearby barb wire fence. With some twisting and bending, he managed to break off a piece of wire, and with the help of a flattened beer can, he inserted the wire next to the window, looped it into the door catch, and opened the lock.
The lady was delighted. She said “Oh thank you my Lord for sending me an angel. You are a wonderful man! Thank you so much!”
The biker replied: “Don't say stuff like that, lady. I'm not a good man. I've been a burglar and car thief for most of my life, and only last week got out of jail.”
The lady exclaimed “Oh praise God for sending a professional!”
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Y’all… I just stepped outside and the heat hit me like a biscuit in the face.
It’s hotter than a jalapeño’s armpit out here.
I went to check the mail and almost saw Jesus.
The humidity is so thick, I feel like I’m swimming through sweet tea.At this point, deodorant is just a polite suggestion.
My hair done gave up and turned into a poodle.
Even the devil said, “Whew, y’all stay safe now.”I love the South, but good gravy… I ain’t built for this oven with mosquitoes.
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