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Latest Activity: Feb 27
Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Feb 27.
Started by Mark Joel Lane. Last reply by Aggie Dec 31, 2015.
Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Mar 20, 2015.
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress ?
Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'
'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'
'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'
'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'
'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'
'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.''If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
I saw a baseball
getting larger and larger
and then it hit me
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