liking men.....

[TuesdaysRuby]

I miss tbd so so much
but i guess Ill just write and if i ever see another person i know from the old tbd
ill be so so happy :)

starting over sux at my age
i finally got out on some dates
and they were nice enough
good men
nice men
but non that gave me the chemistry
that i have always had with the men i have loved

the men i have lusted over
the men i have given my heart to
my self to

the men

i have loved men

since i was a first grader i knew i wanted a man to love me well at that time of course, a boy

he gave me jewelry and showed me signs that he liked me back.....
he was the first boy that i liked too

somewhere along the line he lost interest maybe when my mom made me give the jewelry back because it was probably his mom's ........so she said.....

then there was the first mexican boy who liked me
and my mom told me it wasnt right to like someone "like him"
because he was mexican......then there was my first steady boyfriend........

[TuesdaysRuby]

To keep writing i had to start over once again, gosh just like life
my first steady boyfriend, had a spot in his eye
i couldnt get past that stupid spot,
but, all we had was lust between us
so we broke up

and there was that spot in his eye.....

next came the college boyfriend i was still in highschool
he came home for me everyweekend
we had alot of lust
and lots of letters sent
he took me to the college spring fling
and broke up with me to go steady with the woman who is still his wife
40 years later.....

then there was his best friend whom i choose to get involved with
to make him jelous, except it didnt work
and i ended up marrying him
because i had to get out of my parents house
and was so uncertain of who i was at the time
i used him to takeme away from something i didnt understand....

1969 was the year
marriage and sr in highschool
what was i thinking
how stupid could i have been
but getting married seemed like the only way
to runaway

two kids later
lusting after another
being married to my brother or so it seemed
sex was something that brought a tear to my eyes the night of my marriage in 1969
no excitement no lust nothing but a way out of my parents home
what was i running away from i still do not know
affairs, lust, take me away from the feeling of being with my brother...i never had one but my husband sure seemed like one.....

[TuesdaysRuby]

Then there was the drunk, the pot smoker who had me the first time i saw him
something about that chest
i knew i had to have it, him,
25 years ago this year we would have been married
a celebration we will never see
our lust ended in 1997
life as we had known it was over
and once again i had to start over....

10 years of hell came in between
being on the market for yet another man
over and over meeting men who only wanted one thing
and never asking for more

a business came and stole my passion
took all my money and destroyed my body
it was like a child that broke my heart
9 years now healing has begun
and the last 2 3/4 years my lusted after
chest, marriage number 2 shared with me off and on
living arrangments in my home then out again

now he is back and we are trying
to really make it over
will it work
can we learn to love
instead of lust?
can we forgive, and forget
something i did for years but now seem to be unable to so
and the heart locks up
the mind seals away
the thoughts of the lust we once shared
and now cannot seem to find that chemistry once again
are we too old, has too much happened between us, have there been too many others....

the committement is there between us to do the best we can now
but what will the future bring.....

[TuesdaysRuby]

but......only one truly stole my heart
and he came out of no where
gave me the experience of truly being wanted
and allowing me to be totally and truly me
then.....left with out a goodbye
leaving me with the yearning which will never be fullfilled....

[TuesdaysRuby]

starting over truly sux
especially at my age
take care of what you got
cuz you dont know till its gone.....

[Aggie]

Aggie hug!

[TuesdaysRuby]

thanks for the hug Aggie have we met?

[TuesdaysRuby]

oh of course Aggie, your picture threw me.... :)

[larry kremis]

Good to see you again TuesdaysRuby, I'm glad you were able to get that off of your chest.

[TuesdaysRuby]

Thanks Larry, have we met also?

[TuesdaysRuby]

Hi WendyLynn
it has been a while huh....

[funesthememorious]

I thought what you posted was very poetic - it ebbed and flowed and kept my interest.

[Mother Sanity (JackieRodzinski)]

men have their place. Fortunately, it's not here.