Battle of the sexes

[EddieDingo]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.  His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”  The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Aggie]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Aggie]

Sexually I identify as Little Ceasars pizza, my pronouns are (Hot/Ready)

[Aggie]

Starfish have their mouths at the center of their body and Mermaids use starfish as bras.

[Aggie]

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table:
Husband gets up in a rage and says. "And you are no good in bed either." And storms out of the house.
After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says. "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says. "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

[Aggie]

This happened at a major Australian University during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked. "If I understand you correctly, you are saying that there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"
The professor responded yes adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again the girl asked. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word walked out of the class.
However as she was heading for the door the professors reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat."

[Aggie]

WANTED; MORE COWS

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, willing to sell her husband's cows cheap.

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE ...
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE ...
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
2. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
3. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
4. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
5. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
6. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
7. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
8. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
9. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
10. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
11. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
12. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
13. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
14. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
15. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
16. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
17. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
18. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
19. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
20. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...