Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole

[EddieDingo]

These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"

"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied.  "Plus six cents for the tax."

"Oh," said the blonde.  "I wondered how they kept them on."

[Aggie]

I ask her if I could get in her drawers, she got mad, but I just needed a spoon for my coffee.

[Aggie]

Just in case ya didn't know...
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters.
Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."
The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."
The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.
Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick," but that was changed for some reason.
Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.
Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.
The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!
Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."
Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.
Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"
The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics
Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.
Now... it's up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN....in February --
Cold is a relative thing ya know....
At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, heck freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

[Aggie]

An old cowboy wandered into a Starbucks one afternoon, ordered himself a black coffee, and settled into a corner seat. He leaned back, tipped his hat up, and took a slow, contented sip.
Before long, a young woman sat beside him and asked, “Excuse me, sir—are you a real cowboy?”
The old man thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I reckon so. I’ve spent my whole life ridin’ horses, herdin’ cattle, mendin’ fences, brandin’ calves, sleepin’ out under the stars, and workin’ the land. So yeah, I suppose you could call me a cowboy.”
The young woman smiled and said, “I’m a lesbian. Pretty much all I ever think about is women—when I wake up, when I shower, when I eat, when I work... it’s always women on my mind.”
The cowboy gave a respectful nod, and they both went back to their drinks.
A little while later, another man came in, took the seat on the cowboy’s other side, and asked, “So, are you a real cowboy?”
The old man paused, stared into his coffee, and said, “Well... I always thought I was. But after today... I think I might actually be a lesbian."

[Aggie]

A guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn't believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there's nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack.

Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand.

This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it.

One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I'm no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you're smuggling? Because I know you're smuggling something.”

The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.

[Aggie]

Some people may call it 'multitasking'.
Me? I call it 'doing something else until I remember what the hell I was going to do in the first place'.

[Aggie]

A man opening a new restaurant featuring cuisine from around the world want to carry that international theme to the restrooms. So he painted the doors with "men" and "women" in all the languages he could think of. He couldn't find the Chinese ideographs so he just copied some characters from a painting figuring no one would know
Shortly after opening a Chinese tourist stood in front of the doors and started laughing. When the owner asked what was so funny, the tourist told him he had painted the door with the ideographs that meant "Chinese relief".

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

A blonde, brunette and redhead work at an office building by the docks and have lunch together by a bridge over the ocean: the red head opens her lunch bag and says, “Damn, ham and cheese sandwich, again? I’ve been working here for 30 years and my husband always makes this same old sandwich, I tell you, if I have this damn sandwich again tomorrow, I’m jumping off this bridge.” The brunette opens her lunch bag and finds an egg salad sandwich, she says, “I’ve been working here for 25 years and all my husband has ever made was this tired egg salad sandwich, if I have this shit again tomorrow, I’ll follow you off this bridge.” The blonde opens her lunch bag and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and says, “I’ve been working here for 20 years and all ever get is this lousy PB&J, you know what, I think I’ll join you girls, if I have this shit tomorrow, too.”
The next day all three women got their same sandwich’s and plunged themselves to the murky deep.
At the funeral the husbands, confused, got together and talked, the redhead’s husband said, “If she wanted a different sandwich she could’ve just said so,” the brunettes husband said, “I could’ve just made something different if she just asked,” the blondes husband said, “I, I just don’t get it…she always made her own lunches”

[Aggie]

A Texan is drinking in an Arizona bar when he gets a call on his phone. As he listens, he starts grinning from ear to ear. When he hangs up, he shouts to the bartender,
"Drinks on me! Everyone gets one!"
The bartender starts pouring, and the crowd gathers, eager to hear the good news.
"Well," the Texan says proudly, "My wife just gave birth to a typical Texas baby boy—25 pounds!"
Gasps ripple through the bar. No one can believe a baby could weigh that much. The Texan just shrugs and says,
"That’s about average in Texas. Like I said, he’s a typical Texas boy."
People cheer, one woman faints from the thought, and shouts of
“NO WAY!” and “UNBELIEVABLE!” fill the room.
Two weeks later, the Texan walks back into the same bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, you’re the guy with the 25-pound Texas baby, right? We've all been betting on how big he’d be by now. So—what’s he weigh?"
The proud dad takes a slow sip of his beer, wipes his mouth on his sleeve, leans on the bar and says:
"21 pounds."
The bartender looks puzzled. "Wait—he was 25 pounds at birth. What happened?"
The Texan grins.
"We had him circumcised!"