Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole

[EddieDingo]

These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"

"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied.  "Plus six cents for the tax."

"Oh," said the blonde.  "I wondered how they kept them on."

[Aggie]

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.

[Aggie]

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land" .....

[Aggie]

While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six..
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces.
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."

[Aggie]

A blonde motorist has a flat tire and pulls over to the side of the road. She calls her boyfriend to come help her change the flat tire. Her boyfriend asks where she is so she walks over to the nearest intersection and says to him. " I'm at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK".

[Aggie]

2 blondes rented a boat and went fishing. They found an excellent spot and caught many fish. One blonde goes to the tacklebox, produces a big marker, and puts a big "X" on the bottom of the boat. Blonde #2 asks, "Why?" #1 explains, "So we can find the same good spot tomorrow, Idiot!"
#2 says, "I'm the idiot!? How do you know we'll get the same boat tomorrow!!?"

[Aggie]

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.

[Aggie]

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Aggie]

Do you know why most orphans are successful?
When you ask them to do something.
Because when you tell go big or go home, they only have one option.

[Aggie]

Here are a few jokes and anecdotes that Red Skelton might have used in reference to John Wayne
1."John Wayne was so tough, he once broke a mirror over his own head and got seven years of good luck!"
2."You know, I once asked John Wayne if he ever gets tired of being called 'The Duke.' He said, 'Red, I don't mind it at all – it's better than being called 'The Princess!'"
3."I had the pleasure of working with John Wayne once. He was so tall, I had to stand on a box just to get in the same frame. And he still looked down on me!"
4."John Wayne had a walk that was all his own. They say he walked like that because he had one leg longer than the other. I say it was because he was always in a hurry to get to the saloon!"
5."John Wayne made so many westerns, he once told me, 'Red, if I have to ride one more horse, I'm going to ask for a saddle with a cushion!'"
6."People always said John Wayne wasn't afraid of anything. But I found out his one fear: he was terrified of running out of coffee!"
7."John Wayne could walk into a room and command it without saying a word. I tried that once, but they just thought I was lost and showed me the way out!"
8."John Wayne was the ultimate cowboy. I once saw him rope a steer, tie it up, and grill a steak all at the same time. And he did it without spilling his drink!"
9."John Wayne had that deep, gravelly voice. When he talked, you listened. When I tried to do the same, people thought I had a frog in my throat!"
10"John Wayne was so popular, even his horses had fan clubs!"

[Aggie]

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello, how are you today?"
"I'm very well thank you for asking, how are you and more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Madam, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft.”
"Microsoft, is that a city in Pakistan?”
" No Madam, MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer.”
"REALLY, that's quite concerning.”
"Yes Madam, it can become very serious indeed but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you.”
"No, I meant it's very concerning because I don't HAVE a computer.”
“You don't?"
“No.”
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop Madam.”
"Don't have one.”
"Ipad?"
"Nope.”
"Tablet?"
"I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone.”
After a few seconds of silence he said "Madam, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

[Aggie]

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer.

“Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you're honest?”

“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.

“Impressive,” says the banker. “And what sort of case was that?”

“My father sued me for the money.”

[Aggie]

One day a guy rushed into a restaurant and sat down.
When the waitress came to his table, he said to her, “Look, I am in a hurry, please bring me coffee and a menu!”
The waitress scurried away and return soon after with a menu and his cup of coffee.
The guy looked down and notice as she put his coffee down, the waitress had her thumb noticeably in his coffee.
He gave her a dirty look and pushed the menu back at her and said “ Just bring me a bowl of soup, Ok.?”
So, once again the server scurried away and quickly return with the customers bowl of soup, but as she put it down, he noticed, again, that she had her thumb very far into his bowl of soup.
Seeing again her extended appendage, he said to her abruptly “Ok, what’s with the thumb?”
The waitress responded “Excuse me?”
“Excuse Me? You had better say excuse me! You bring my coffee, you have your thumb in my coffee! You bring my soup, you have your thumb in my soup! Like, what with your thumb?”
To which the waitress responded, “ Well, I slammed my thumb in the door yesterday and my doctor told me to keep it somewhere warm.”
“Why don’t you just cram it up your butt then?!”the client replied.
To which the waitress replied “Well, I do when I’m in the kitchen!”........