Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole

[EddieDingo]

These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"

"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied.  "Plus six cents for the tax."

"Oh," said the blonde.  "I wondered how they kept them on."

[Aggie]

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Mom
P.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.

[Aggie]

COWS DON’T GIVE MILK
A father used to say to his children when they were young: —When you all reach the age of 12 I will tell you the secret of life. One day when the oldest turned 12, he anxiously asked his father what was the secret of life. The father replied that he was going to tell him, but that he should not reveal it to his brothers.
—The secret of life is this: The cow does not give milk. "What are you saying?" Asked the boy incredulously. —As you hear it, son: The cow does not give milk, you have to milk it. You have to get up at 4 in the morning, go to the field, walk through the corral full of manure, tie the tail, hobble the legs of the cow, sit on the stool, place the bucket and do the work yourself.
That is the secret of life, the cow does not give milk. You milk her or you don't get milk. There is this generation that thinks that cows GIVE milk. That things are automatic and free: their mentality is that if "I wish, I ask..... I obtain."
"They have been accustomed to get whatever they want the easy way...But no, life is not a matter of wishing, asking and obtaining. The things that one receives are the effort of what one does. Happiness is the result of effort. Lack of effort creates frustration."
So, share with your children from a young age the secret of life, so they don't grow up with the mentality that the government, their parents, or their cute little faces is going to give them everything they need in life.
Remember
"Cows don't give milk; you have to work for it."

[Aggie]

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have a stable WiFi.

[Aggie]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

[Aggie]

I was at the checkout of a local Wally World.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated
and knew what she was doing, and she returned the money,
again. I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.

[Aggie]

I walked into a Starbacks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.

[Aggie]

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

[Aggie]

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

[Aggie]

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

[Aggie]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.

[Aggie]

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.

[Aggie]

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman, there, that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry, because,
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now, she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the
airport, 3rd in line to land."