You're killing me Smalls.....

[Jaylee53]

This is completely just for laughs.... Do NOT think of posting anything serious or thought provoking here...EVER!

 

http://youtu.be/nGeKSiCQkPw

 

 

 

I mean it...... :-)

[TeeBubbaDee]

All the passengers were onboard the small, third-world, puddle-jumping, commuter plane waiting for take-off. The stewardess assured them that their pilots will arrive soon; they were “delayed on another flight.” Eventually, two uniformed men wearing dark glasses entered the plane. One used a guide dog, while the other tapped his way into the cockpit with his white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the passengers glanced around, nervously searching for some sign that this was just a practical joke. No explanation was forthcoming. The plane taxied into position, then rolled down the runway, faster and faster, until the people near the windows realized they were nearing the end of the runway. Panicked screams filled the cabin, but suddenly the plane lifted off and rose smoothly into the sky. The passengers relaxed and laughed sheepishly. In the cockpit, the co-pilot said to the pilot, “You know, Bob, one of these days they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

[Merry]

This is a true story from Africa and I'm remembering it off the top of my head so please bear with me.

A bus driver with a bus full of patients from a psychiatric ward stopped for a drink and all the patients disapeared  on him while he was in the bar. Panicing over the possibility of losing his job he started offering free rides on his bus until it was full again. When they arrived at the hospital the bus driver informed the staff that the people on the bus were excitable. It was a few days before the mistake was discovered and set right...............................................

[funesthememorious]

Did you hear about the big, boastful Texan who died? They gave him an enema and buried him in a cigar box.

[TeeBubbaDee]

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

 

Quatro Cinco

[TeeBubbaDee]

[Bob Stepp]

[TeeBubbaDee]

[Daddieo]

After 28 years of marriage to the cruelest, meanest, and heartless wife a man could ever have, a Vermont dairy farmer takes his remaining $12,000 of a $1.5 million divorce settlement (including the farm), he decides to fulfill his life-long dream of traveling to Egypt. While hiking around the pyramids, he stumbles upon a lamp.

As a typical American, he rubs the lamp. As the story goes, a Genie POPS out of the lamp!

Genie: "What has brought you to awaken me from my long slumber?!"

Farmer: "I recently got divorced from my less-than-wonderful wife."

Genie: "DIVORCE? Because you're divorced, whatever you wish for, you wife

gets double."

Farmer: "You got to be kiddin' me! She already got everything!"

Genie: "Sorry, those are the rules."

Farmer: "Alright, if that's the way it's gonna be, for my first wish, I

would like $100 million."

Genie: "Your wish is my command! ...but your wife now has $200 million!"

Farmer: "That's fine. I can live with that. For my second wish, I want the

biggest mansion on Lake Champlain."

Genie: "Your wish is my command! ....but your wife now has 2 mansions on

Lake Champlain."

Farmer: "Mmmmmm....now for my THIRD wish! ...............

...Genie, for my third wish I would like you to beat me HALF to death!"

[TeeBubbaDee]

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

[Daddieo]

Vermont Stone Wall

 

A farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Vermont when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS SQL Server
database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the farmer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then he says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the farmer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog."

[TeeBubbaDee]

[Quinn]

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.