Existential question...

[crestofwaves]

I've been in limbo til now because of my husband's illness. All the things we used to do together, he can't do anymore.  Hiking, dancing, exploring places for hours, good sex...  I know he feels HORRIBLE about this, and he tells me he feels worse because of how it affects me. So far, I haven't done much without him because I know he feels so bad. His illness is in no way fatal--just life altering.

  I know I can't have sex with anyone else, and there is no one that I would care to or who is capable anymore. 

But, My question, how much can I do? Can I leave him behind and join a hiking group? Can I travel without him? Last night I mentioned taking a trip to Florida to see relatives on the east and west coast. I mentioned taking my sister and saw a look of pain flash across his face.  He used to be so happy that he could make me happy.  What would you do?  Stay in one place--for the rest of your life--or do some moving around  knowing that he will feel left out? I feel happiest when I am moving, fast, and seeing and learning and experiencing.

What would you do?

 

 

 

[Kim]

This is very tough but obviously you are very committed to your husband and aren't trying to go out and find a "better model" (as my grandma might've put it). But it IS important you do things for yourself because frankly this is NOt gonna get easier as the years go by. But FIRST, it would be a good idea to establish a new interest together. There are LOTS of games for TWO (BELIEVE me, I think I HAVE them ALL...LOL!), you can try puzzles, or simply "movie night". Maybe even pull some pictures out and learn scrapbooking and have fun creating them together. (WIth YOU probably doing most of the work but HIM adding to the memories of the pictures YOU remember. Reinforce the fact that you love HIM for what he is to you and has been to you over the years, the memories you have shared, the experiences you have had, etc. Things like sex have their time and their place and eventually its bound to go by the wayside as people age. Let him know you are "So OVER THAT" and don't need that...even if you AREN'T....LOL!  If he has at least a little confidence that you DO want to be with him and that you're not regretting his unhealthy state right now, he shouldn't mind so much you going out once a week or every other week. MAYBE just try out one event for now until, like I said, you can establish a new common interest with him that won't have him feeling "left behind" in his (and your) life. Hope things work out.

[Wayne Goodwin]

Amang responce Kim....

[blithe spirit]

I watched my parents go through lots of changes in the nature of their relationship their entire lives. They adapted and at times things got rough. I think for them, the biggest change that affected them the most was when my Dad retired for the last time. He drove my Mom crazy for quite a while...he tried to interject himself into her space. They both had lives that were independent from each other and they liked it that way, but they also enjoyed each other's company and were able to find some other common interests. They both became quite interested in genealogy. He became quite an internet researcher and she loved to talk to relatives and go visit and record histories. He developed dementia and his world shrank dramatically...he didn't like leaving home, but he always enjoyed the family stories my mom shared from her trips. They enjoyed watching TV together and loved sharing books.
I used to crack up in then evening when I would stop by... they would nap together watching TV...side by side recliners, foot stools up, snoring away.
Crest,you and your hubby seem to have already gone through stuff when you got together and blended your families. Obviously there is mutual respect and love...that will allow both of you to do right by each other.