Unruly Step Children

[Lifesighs]

I have recently had an issue with two of my husband's children and I'm wondering if I should just forget and forgive again or do something.

My husband's ranch is a corporation, it was incorporated by his mother in 1960, at that time it was 800 acres, when his mother passed away, my husband split the ranch to 400 acres each but both were left incorporated. My husband owns 64% of the stock, each of his 3 children own 12% each. For many years none of the children visited until 20 years ago my husband's daughter decided to live there in the old ranch house. Because many of the out building were beginning to age in a bad way when I retired we went back to the ranch to restore what we could. In the seven years we were there we built two homes, one for ourselves to live in, one to sell for funds to restore the old ranch house. While we were there his two daughters didn't like what we decided to accomplish so they tried to have my husband declared incompetent so they could get control of the ranch. They soon found out that was not going to happen so they tried to show we weren't following the charter and other things. All that accomplished was the ranch spending money on attorneys. Over a period of about 18 months all was forgiven and the family became close again. The daughter who lived on the ranch was divorced so we (mostly me) decided to give her 5 acres on the river and put in infrastructure so she could get a loan and build her own home.

We accomplished that, she got a loan for construction (we guaranteed the loan and tied up our own funds until the home was built). In the meantime we put in a well and electricity to that portion of the property, we did all the paperwork so she officially owned the property, we paid for the survey and for part of the digging for the foundation. This cost about $30,000.

That all happened 3 years ago, now we are back in CA I'm thinking it all went well and suddenly we're getting calls from the other daughter claiming (yelling by the way) we aren't running things right and we're taking money from the ranch, we got a visit from my husband's son asking about what was going on. I showed him three years of bank statement with every dime spent on the ranch, he was totally satisfied that the only money not spent directly on the ranch went to family members, grandson needed 6,000 for a down payment to buy a home etc. I also showed him that on many occasions I write checks from our personal account for ranch expenses because it's easier than getting the ranch checkbook out.

Both daughters seem to be pointing the finger at me because I'm the person taking care of all the ranch finances. At this juncture my husband has left all his ranch stock to me or if I die first equally split to his children. My will also leaves an equal split to his children. After this episode we have decided to change our wills and leave all the stock to the Son who has never been involved in any of the drama. We will be doing that soon.

I am disappointed in my husband's daughter because without my action she would not have her land or home. I am disappointed in the other daughter because she has practically called me a thief without any cause what so ever.

Both daughters are now calling dad and acting like nothing ever happened. I don't know how I should deal with them, I have a hard time just letting it all go.

Any Advice?

[dwalt]

And that's one reason I never remarried.....

[Lifesighs]

Being a step parent has no reward that I know of. The only redeeming part for me was all the children were adults and on their own before I married their father.

frenchy I don't know how you got thru all that, I probably would have been in jail.

[Marianne Kiendl]

I'm going to remember all these horror stories when I feel bad about not having family around me on holidays!

[Lifesighs]

Yes, having friends you choose to be around can be the best holiday option. 

[frenchy]

its hard either way lifey .. if they're kids or adults .. but when they're kids and they live with you you can't really take a time out and get away while they're settin the house on fire .. or almost settin it on fire anyway .. or stealin large sums of money and then tryin to steal your gun .. and it was locked up .. it wasn't lyin around .. anyway the reason i'm not in jail is that i left .. i finally said ok thats it i'm leavin .. it was the only thing left to do .. and the thing was her real dad was killed in a construction accident so i made sure that she got a good lawyer and when she turned 18 she got a quarter of a million dollars .. i was already way gone by then . she spent it all in about a year .. i raised her from the time she was 5 till she was 15 .. i kept tellin her mom you need to have her tested cause she ain't wired right .. but she refused .. she didn't want the stigma of havin a daughter that was not right in the head so in the end she got a daughter that was really not right in the head .. her mom had to check her into the looney bin at least a couple of times that i know of when she flipped out all together .. they put her on meds and she seemed to be gettin better but now she refuses to take em so .. she'll probably make another trip back when she flips out again .. and i'm not sayin all this could have been avoided .. but i think if her mom had believed me from the getgo a lot of it could have been . and we'd have a much nicer variety stepmonster to deal with .. instead of this chained up junkyard dog that she becomes at times .. i know i tried tho .. the only difference if she was mine would have made it is i would have had the authority to have her tested and to administer punishments that fit her crimes ..but as a step parent i had no rights at all to any of that .. its like you can see this truck up ahead and its dumpin shit all over the road but you can't catch it or stop it .. all you can do is watch ..    

[crestofwaves]

I have two children and my husband has two children. We agreed the only way this could work is if we each butt completely out of what the other does with or for his/her kids.  We bite our tongues a lot, then go out to dinner.

On the other hand, we help each other with coping with the problems and are courteous with each other's children.  It ain't the Brady bunch, but it's not hell either.  And our kids, well, they never launched properly, so there are lots of problems.

[Lifesighs]

I can only say things seemed to get better for me after a long while, none of my husbands three attended our wedding, my son came from Mich to be there. I think they don't mind me so much as being afraid they won't end up with more $$$$$. 

Oddly the greed they show is having the opposite effect, now all the stock for the ranch will go to his son, my son will get the CA property. The two daughters will keep what they have and gain nothing.

[Karin M Fichtner]

GOOD!!

[Lifesighs]

We'll have to make sure we do it right so the wills can't be undone by them, might have to leave them a little in order to make it work. I don't know if the laws are different in each state to complicate things. We have wills in WY which we will be modifying and I have to check to see if we need another one for CA.