Both are bad, but which could you better cope with....

[crestofwaves]

Scenario one:  You find out your mate goes to prostitutes. Or if you are a guy, to cabana boys. It's not a habit, it's meaningless.

Scenario two:  You find out your mate has been in love with someone else too, but has never had sex with that person out of respect to the marriage.

[Lifesighs]

Neither is ideal however I would choose Scenario One, it is less hurtful to know about scratching an itch or curiosity or giving in to a base instinct and could be overlooked as an incident in a blip of time to be forgotten.

Scenario two would make me bow out and allow them to get on with their lives. I don't want to be with a person who is in love with someone else.

[AmerikinWmn]

I agree with Life, for the exact same reasons. I don't think I could stand living day to day with someone who was with me only out of respect, not love. 

[crestofwaves]

What if the person did love you and loved the other person.  Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

[Mickchick]

Both would be extremely painful, but I'd prefer scenario #2 because I'd be out of that marriage either way.  In scenario #2, If he loved us both I'd suggest counseling to see if we could work things out.  If he felt he loved her, though, and not me, I'd bow out for sure. 

I'd prefer to be with someone who respected me enough not to jeopardize my health and my life by having sexual relations with someone (especially multiple people!)  Not to mention that he would have actively been lying about his whereabouts and activities in scenario #1 as well as cheating.  We can't necessarily help how we feel emotionally, but we can certainly control our physical behavior. 

[frenchy]

so basicly what you're askin is which is worse .. to have someone who's unfaithful sexually or emotionally .. tough call .. but a good question .. so how do i answer this without offendin anybody here .. i'll try .. when i was young i always thought that love was so complete meanin that if you loved one person you couldn't possibly love another person too .. i mean how could you possibly have room in your heart for another ?? but then as i got older i realized that no two people are the same and there's always somethin that one person might have that another won't .. be it sexual or just plain bein on the same page with you .. so does that mean you don't love the other person too if you find someone else also attractive for whatever reason ?? i don't think so .. i think the heart can love more than one person but in different ways .. now thats not to say that someday you get lucky and find everything you ever wanted in one person .. i still wanna believe its possible .. but the longer i live the more i think it was just some fairy tale thats been fed to us since birth and we've all gone along with it .. would i rather it be true than not ? oh yeah i would .. but the song beans comes to mind here .. and its about eatin steak all the time and then you get beans and beans taste fine ..and life and love are kinda like that too.. you know you love the one you're with but sometimes after steak every nite you'll jump for joy to have beans .. so does that mean you don't want steak anymore ?? no .. it just means that beans are a nice change of pace even tho they're not as fancy as steak .. or in other words it would be pretty concieted of me to think that i'm the only one a woman could love or be the least bit interested in .. all of our minds wander sometimes and i think its normal .. i guess its how far we let ourselves go that would make or break a relationship ..i think i'm pretty understandin tho .. i'd tell my significant other its ok whatever you wanna do .. as long as i can watch .. and i'd allow her to experience it . of course i could say no and then she'd probably do it behind my back.. which shouldn't  piss me off cause i already told her its not ok.. and you know how that forbidden fruit thing works .. maybe i'm not right here tho .. but i'm honest .. and i'd so much rather her tell me the truth than to lie to me ..  

[AmerikinWmn]

In scenario #2, is the mate still in love/seeing the person he's in love with or is it something that happened in the past? If so, I would want to try to work it out. 

I do think you can love 2 people at the same time, but in different ways. In that case, I would privately make a choice between the 2 and leave it at that, hard to do or not. I'm a person who takes vows seriously and I wouldn't want to break them. 

[dwalt]

Well I've been thru #2 scenario and when he said "I love you both"  I almost puked.  Was on the plane up here that night.

[crestofwaves]

If I were in love with someone but still loved my husband ( which is a very possible scenario), I would never tell my husband unless I planned to do something about it.  I think in this life, when marriage is forever and forever is now many many many years, we will run across other people for whom we have strong feelings.  I would see that as MY problem, not my husband's, so that is something I would keep to myself.

And if my husband found himself in such a situation, I would NOT want to know. If I knew, I don't know how I would react.  Probably not well.

However,  I think one thing we are still entitled to as married people is our own private feelings that we need not share with our spouses.  The thing is NOT to act on those feelings in such a way as to defile the marriage vows.  To me, that's what the vow is for--to force us to stay behind a line  which we cannot cross.

[AmerikinWmn]

You're right, crest. Marriage nowdays is a long prospect, at least for those who plan on keeping their vows sacred. I don't thing people realize that "when death do you part" can be 60 yrs or more much more often now than it was when those words were first written. That's in for the long haul for sure. 

I think many of us develop feelings for someone other than our spouse/significant other at least once during a marriage. How we handle it is the thing. When you act on the attraction is when it becomes a problem. As you said, we're all entitled to our secret feelings.

[blithe spirit]

I can handle a lot in a relationship as long as honesty is the basis. I want to be free to share with someone...have the ability to be vulnerable and feel safe...and likewise. I have no intention of marrying anyone ever again...any vows we make are between us. 

I think it's absolutely possible to love more than one person...but I would want to know and would want him to know....even if we never act on it. The emotional attachments we make between us and others are the glue that bind the whole fabric of the relationship.

I have said this before many times but these times we live in are unique in that women are free to make choices ...our social mores were based on a patriarchal society when women had to stay with men for survival...thats no longer the case. It allows men more choices too.We owe our honesty and trust to those we love always. I'm not sure how that always translates into our behaviors and then if we act on them or not... our feelings.... we have to be honest about all of it.

[Kim]

Not being a jealous person whatsoever, I don't think either one would be an unsurmountable problem for me. I believe people CAN be in love with more than one person at a time. I would only have a problem with EITHER scenario if I was being neglected.

[crestofwaves]

Yes, Kim.  I am somewhat like you.  If I still feel good, how would I know what was a secret thought in my husband's head.  This is not a license for him to do anything, but as long as I were happy, how would I know?  I see lots of other ways marriage vows are broken, and no one makes a peep--but adultery?  Whoa.  To love, honor and CHERISH...too many times that "cherish" part gets thrown out, and that is the most important to me.  I need to feel cherished.