Talking to the Telemarketer 1

[Julia A Knaake]

       

Talking to the Telemarketer 1

 

Susan's ninety six year old grandmother, Carrie, was staying with her for a month.  Susan had to be at work Monday through Friday from nine to five.  Susan left at seven thirty and returned at noon to have lunch with Grannie. She then went back to work returning at five thirty. Susan's work was only a block away.

 

She enjoyed having Grannie stay with her but wondered what she did all day.

 

"Grannie what do you do all day when I am not here?

I see you have not touched your crocheting much.

Do you read the books or magazines I gave you?

You worked on the jig saw puzzle a little.

I just wondered what keeps you busy all day?"  said Susan.

 

"Well I answer your phone. If it is someone for you I write the message down for you.  If it is a telemarketer I talk to them." said Carrie.

 

"You don't give them out address do you?"

 

"No Honey I know better than that.  I just chat or say we do not have pets and we do not need animal food.  I tell them I do not have a car so I do not need new auto covers. Just things  like that." said Grannie.

 

Susan went off to work. Carrie did the few breakfast dishes then sat down to work on the puzzle. Soon the phone rang. 

 

"Hello. This is Hillary from Bills Furniture Company. How are you?"

 

"Well Dear I am just fine. How are you doing?"

 

"I am just fine. Here at Bills Furniture Company we are having a lawn furniture clearance sale. Today we have Wicker furniture on sale." said Hillary.

 

"Well that is nice to hear Hillary. What kind of Wicker is the material." asked Grannie.

 

"What kind of Wicker is the material?" asked a confused Hillary.

 

"Is it rattan vine, rattan cane, kubu gray, a bamboo, reed, willow, seagrass, banana leaf or that nasty fake plastic?" asked Grannie.

 

Hillary was totally confused. She knew if she were going to get a sale she would say it it is not plastic.

 

“It is not plastic, I can vouch for that because I have a set in my own back yard.” said Hillary smugly.

 

“Do you know what exactly what material it is made of then?” questioned Carrie with an equally smug tone of voice.

 

By now Hillary was sweating. She had never had a potential client ask her these questions. She was quietly looking for the brochure on the product she was selling.

 

Carrie heard the woman shuffling papers. She decided to have some more fun with this telemarketer. Carrie went over to the stove and put the tea kettle on for herbal tea.

 

“ Hillary did you know that wicker was found in the tombs of both Cleopatra and King Tut?” asked Carrie. Carrie wanted to laugh but she did not.

 

“What?” asked Hillary.

 

Carrie repeated herself then said: ”The Victorians believed wicker’s smooth surface to be more hygienic than upholstered furniture. Do you think wicker is sanitary being that it is outdoors?”

 

Hillary stopped looking at the pamphlet on her wicker sales chart.

“Umm, Yes I do feel our products to be sanitary. All you need is to spray them with a hose and allow it to dry.”

 

“Will the hose clean off dry bird droppings also?” asked Carrie.

 

“Absolutely!” said Hillary.

 

“Hillary I was just asking because I would never wish to get Histoplasmosis.”

said Carrie in a serious tone.

 

“His top lasmo sis?” Hillary almost screeched.

 

“Yes, dear lady, Histoplasmosis is a respiratory disease that may be fatal. It results from a fungus growing in dried bird droppings. It is a dimorphic fungus that can be either in yeast form or in filamentous form. Cryptococcosis is caused by yeast found in the intestinal tract of pigeons and starlings.” quoted Carrie.

 

“Aha. Ok. I did not know that fact. Thank you for the information.” replied Hillary.

 

”Oh I am so happy to help people further their education. Did you know the Potawatami Indians believed there was an old lady who lived on the moon weaving a basket. It was said that when the basket was finished, the world would end.” said Carrie.

 

“ Yikes!” said Hillary loudly.

 

The tea kettle started whistling a sharp loud tune. Carrie asked Hillary to excuse her as she was going to tend to the tea kettle.

“I will brew Earl Gray. It has most of the same effects as a plain black brew. However, it is flavored with oil from the bergamot orange, which may lead to other side effects. I'll fill you in when I return.”

 

Susan entered the apartment at noon to have lunch with Grannie. The phone was off the hook and beeping.

 

“Grannie. Who was on the phone?”

 

“Oh, that was Hillary. She was trying to sell us backyard furniture. I guess I should have told her we did not have a backyard. How are you dear? Tea's on.”

 

©Julia A Knaake

[Julia A Knaake]

Good idea Aggie

[Aggie]

If you have small kids around give the phone to them and say the telemarketer is Santa Clause.

[Julia A Knaake]