Do you like dogs?
Hey everyone. I like dogs. Do you like dogs? Some of you like dogs, I’m sure. You know what I like about dogs?
They aren’t people.
Ha-ha! EeYeah! That’s why I like dogs. Yeah-ya. Well, they are manipulative, of course. Sure they are. But if you pay attention, their machinations - ha-ha! EeYeah; a dog’s machinations center around three things - feed me, pet me, and take me for a walk. And they never say anything unless they bark, and that’s maybe the best part, because the bark only means one thing. Yeah-ya. It does. There’s no confusion with a dog’s bark because it only means one thing, doesn’t it? Sure. It means ‘Pay Attention.’
Ha-ha! Oboy. Yeah-ya. So have you seen the bumper sticker that says Play Like A Dog? Yeah. Well. See? You know what it means, right? Sure you do. You know what it means.
Shut Up And Beg.
Ha-ha! EeYeah. Subversive, isn’t it? Yeah. I just don’t know about those bumper sticker people. I mean really. You know what I mean? No? Have you seen the twins? Ha-ha, yeah. The Twins - and they can’t get along. Ha-ha. No, no they can’t can they. No Fear and Fear This - have you seen those? Competing stickers that’s all it is. Really.
Unless it isn’t.
Ha-ha! EeYeah. Unless it isn’t. Unless we are marketing conflict. I mean, that is what it is, isn’t it? Sure it is, and here’s how it works: if you get anywhere near corporate espionage or our war on drugs, either one, then someone comes along, pulls your ear so hard your head hurts for a week, then they give ya a tee shirt and a bumber sticker, convince you it’s the best they can do for ya because a band-aid just won’t fit. Ha-ha. No. It won’t. They don’t make them that big, do they. No, no they don’t.
Then after they give ya the t-shirt and the bumper sticker they go away - yeah-ya, for about an hour. Ha-ha. EeYeah. Just long enough to make you think it’s over. Ha-ha. Then they come back and pull a little harder. Yeah-ya. And when you complain they have one of two responses. Yeah-ya. Either they’ll say since you took the t-shirt they were sure you liked it and it was your way of saying Please, hurt me again.
Ha-ha. EeYeah. And if you happened to dump the t-shirt in the trash before they get back they’ll say See? That’s what you get for complaining. It looks like you haven’t learned yet. Now you’ll really have to be spanked.
Ha-ha. EeYeah. You can’t win. No. No you can’t.
It’s crazy, isn’t it? Of course it is.
Well, I got an email today. Imagine that. Hard to believe, isn’t it? Ha-ha! EeYeah. Everybody gets email today, don’t they? Sure. Only we don’t really call it email anymore, do we. No-no. No we don’t. We call it SPAM. Ha-ha. EeYeah. Sure we do.
So I did, I got an email. It had a rather peculiar attachment to it, from a company I haven’t done business with, insisting I take action. Ha-ha. EeYeah. Open the attachment. Ha-ha. So anywayz, a friend of mine just came back to town and he’s a bit of a hacker. We aren’t really sure what color hat he wears, but he is, he’s a geek. So I went in town just to see who he gave my email to, you know? Just because, I mean, hey. And guess what?
He didn’t turn up. Ha-ha. No, no he didn’t. Well, that isn’t too surprising. I mean, he doesn’t have a phone, so I was just going by chance really.
But I did see something else, and that was kinda strange really. I mean, I dunno. A young lady walked down the street dressed in black, making the sign of the cross, and then she started running. I thought that was kinda strange. Wouldn’t you think so? Yeah-ya. Well get this. After she started running a young lady passed behind me and went ‘whine whine - slurp’ - really soft like she didn’t want anyone but me to hear. Yeah-ya. And really I haven’t done justice to the sounds she made, because they actually aren’t in the dictionary. Ha-ha. No, no they aren’t.
So I figure, hey, either she is going to a funeral or she was about to be eaten by the monster.
Yeah-ya. It’s not funny is it. It’s not funny and you don’t get it. I know, I haven’t given you the back story or any of the rest of the iconography. It isn’t fair is it. Well, I dunno. All I can say is if someone walks behind you and starts to say “I sense that . . .” and you don’t hear the rest of sentence, it’s probably time to go home. Ha-ha. EeYeah. It is. Because usually that means someone with a behavioral PhD is about to stir up your grey matter in ways that are really not nice. Ha-ha. No. Not nice at all.
That isn’t funny, is it. No it isn’t. So why are you laughing? Oh, I get it. You’re nervous. Ha-ha. EeYeah. Well, you should be. No really. Just look at me and say to yourself: “Tomorrow it’s my turn.” Ha-ha. EeYeah.
So anywayz, if you think that was weird, wait till I tell you about Friday. Now that was strange. I pulled into a parking spot downtown, and before I even got money in the meter the Circus - ha-ha - eeYeah, the Circus - I call it that ‘cuz they’re all a bunch of clowns. I mean, really. If they have something to say why don’t they just call someone and leave me out of it?
Anywayz. The car in front of me had been there for several minutes at least, and as I started to put money in the meter the woman inside got out, walked up to her meter, and she had 43 minutes left. I happen to know because she said so. Out loud. He-he. EeYeah. So of course I thought to myself ‘Well why don’t they just kill me now and get it over with.’
He-he. EeYeah. Really. Cr4zY, isn’t it. So I went and grabbed a coffee and a bench, you know, and on the way there was a woman on a cell phone and she said ‘I know he’s stressed, I’m sorry’ - and of course she doesn’t know I’m stressed and couldn’t care any more than you guys, but hey, that’s what she said and I thought, ‘O really?’ because really, I wasn’t feeling very stressed at all. Ha-ha. No, no I wasn’t. That came later. Ha-ha. EeYeah, it did, it came later. About 40 minutes later. Ha-ha. Eeyeah.
So I grab a bench, enjoying the sun and my coffee, you know. Just kickin’. Suddenly I’m surrounded by cameras. EeYeah. I mean, I know it’s tourist season and all, but really. There were cameras everywhere. I don’t really like people with cameras, generally speaking. Some of them are just plain rude, I actually had one guy lean over my shoulder one day and take a picture of the page of the paper I was reading. Really. I mean, that’s kinda like saying, ‘We already know where you live and what you look like, now we really wanna know what you are reading . . .” Ha-ha. Isn’t it? I mean, common. There is no artistic value in the newsprint from over my shoulder. Honest. Trust me. I know.
So now I am, I’m getting a little tense, you know, and interestingly enough the level of tension seems to correspond directly to the number of cameras - and there were a lot of them, let me tell you. And of course, I was going hm because you know, it had seemed someone really wasn’t happy about my outing FOX as some sort of strange intel op - I mean, it’s just a theory of course, but given the Volume of some of the skits - ha-ha - eeYeah - the Volume, it seems reasonable that the theory is valid and that, you know, They aren’t very happy. So. So yeah, now based on the sum of the Stimulus - ha-ha - eeYeah - now I’m going hm.
And then this woman walks by with this dog. And the dog looked just like the dog of this old friend of mine, who as it happens, is now dead. She died quite some time ago, of health issues that were, um, a little off. Just a little off. Not bad, you know, but off just enough, and so she’s gone and it stands out, just a little, in the memory.
So she goes by and she doesn’t say anything, and I’m sitting there, taking it in, noting the environment because, you know, now I don’t want to miss anything.
And that’s when a U.S. Senator walked by.
Really. He stopped at the corner, waiting for traffic before crossing. I noticed that diagonally across the street a crowd had gathered, and it was definitely a large one. Statistically so, and I don’t need to do a formal survey to know. I’ve crossed there myself many times.
So I thought, well ok. Can’t be they plan to kill him in the cross walk because the huge crowd will be a clear signal to drivers that there is an obstruction in the road and they won’t get away with running the red light. Right? Sure.
So then I get it, and I look at the clock. Those 43 minutes are up.
So all it means is that someone thought it was Halloween, and I’m a scary monster, and they were attempting to play a practical joke on the Senator. Ha-ha. EeYeah. Like undermine his belief system or something. Ha-ha. EeYeah.
Yeah. I like dogs. Do you like dogs? I like dogs. I won’t shut up though. And I won’t beg.
Crazy! That’s what it is! Just plain Cr4zY!
© D. Winter
August 10, 2009