At some stage, most people come to realize the amazing
and very often profound effect that animals can have
on our mood and emotions and there are some pretty
incredible but also true stories of how medical scientists
are discovering some animals that can actually detect
the beginnings of disease in humans in the very early
stages of onset.
Our animals can also be trained to help and support
many of us that have disabilities, especially for those
who have lost their sight.
Animals can `feel emotion' just like we humans can,
besides loving, nurturing and caring for their own young.
So let us enjoy our animals and pets by sharing our photos,
pictures and graphics of them all,
the long, the short and the tall.
So I ordered some bird seed, can someone tell me how long it takes for the birds to grow in my garden?
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.
A man went to visit his 90 year old uncle who lived on a very secluded farm in the Florida Panhandle. He had not seen his uncle in over 20 years, because the uncle only left the farm for groceries and doctor’s appointments, and never ventured far from his farm. The two men spent hours chatting the night away, and finally went to bed after midnight.
Early the next morning, his uncle prepared a wonderful country breakfast of bacon, eggs, biscuits, and hash-browns. As he finished his breakfast the man noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his uncle asking, “Are these plates clean?” His uncle replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal!”
For lunch the old man grilled up some hamburgers. Again, the man was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, as the man was packing his car to leave, his Uncle’s dog came out from under the front porch. The dog started to growl, and bear his teeth, with the hair standing up on his back as the man tried to go back in the house and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Uncle Ned, your dog won’t let me come back in the house.” Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,
“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!’
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged.
“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!........
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks
THE CHICKEN FARMER!
So farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,
"You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!" So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, "Sure. Put up your own sign."
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, "How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down. So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign . . . .
*Slow down and watch for chicks*