Whether the kids are at school. or at home, at Granma's & Granpa's,
helping out with the shopping, being quiet in Church,
at a friend's party or even playing sports -
more often than not,
some of them are liable to drop a 'gem' or a 'clanger'
at the oddest moments, so please share in the laughs.
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the
King James Virgin ?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, 'Hello?'
'Is your Daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes', whispered the small voice.
'May I speak to him?'
The child whispered 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'
'Well may I speak to her, then?' Again the small voice whispered 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,' came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked 'What's that noise?'
'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.
'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team has just landed a helicopter.'
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME!'
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay,' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old
enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that
dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
After the church service a little boy told the minister, "When I grow up I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the minister replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of
us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
"I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."
Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."