These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
I have a friend who is so open minded she has to wear a hat.
After 50 years in Shanghai, a Chinese man decided to retire and relocate to Australia.
He purchased a little plot of land. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decided to cross the street and greet the newcomer to the neighborhood. He heads next door, but on his way up the driveway, he notices the Chinese man chasing approximately ten hens around his front yard.
Not wishing to disrupt these ‘Chinese customs,’ he chooses to postpone the welcome for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he notices the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it through the window. He chooses to postpone the welcome for another day so as not to disrupt another ‘Chinese custom.’
A day later, he decides to give it one more shot, but on his way next door, he notices a Chinese man bringing a bull down the driveway,… pauses…., and then places his left ear near the bull’s butt.
The Australian can’t take it anymore, so he confronts the Chinese man and says, “What’s the deal with your Chinese customs, Mate? I came over to greet you to the neighborhood and witness you chasing hens around the yard. The following day you’re pissing in a glass and drinking it, and now you’re so near to that bull’s buttocks that it may sh1t on you.”
The Chinese man is surprised and adds, “Sorry, sir, you don’t understand, they are not… Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.”
“What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, “Those aren’t Australian customs.”
“Yes they are, the man at the travel agent told me,” replied the Chinese man. “He says to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get piss drunk, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.”
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting.
They spot a deer 30 yards away. The physicist calculates the amount of force necessary to propel the arrow based on the distance, angle, and drop due to gravity. He fires and the arrow lands 10 yards short.
The engineer takes his friend's calculations and adds a fudge factor to account for wind speed and drag. He overshoots and the arrow lands 10 yards too far.
The statistician jumps up and claps and cheers, "We got him!"
If Whole Foods sell sliced fruit isn't that false advertising?
THE COWBOY BOOTS
So, did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
The Genius of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
My electric truck- nobody touches my truck.
In our world of sustainable agriculture, I think it is important that every cattleman has an electric pickup. No I don’t have to plug it in every night. I am referring to the sustainability of the pickup. There is nothing more frustrating than jumping out to check a calf or a fence, and coming back to find the cattle using your pickup as a scratching post. I have had my share of broken signal lights and busted mirrors. So here is a simple trick.
Whenever you park your pickup in the pasture with cattle around, back it into an electric fence. As your truck sits on rubber tires, it has no effect. Only when your livestock (or yourself) touches the truck will it give a shock. This trains my cows not to rub on my truck no matter where it is. Soon, it won’t matter if it’s electric or not, they won’t rub on it. I just have to be careful getting in or out. Plastic door handles are great but if you don’t have them, simply leave your door open and enter and exit with a bounce in your step.
The Pharmacist's Morning
Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me this morning, I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side, this morning the alarm failed to go off, I was late getting up, went without breakfast, hurried out to the car, realize I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside, had to break a window to get my keys." "Driving a little too fast, received a speeding ticket, when three blocks from the store, had a flat tire." "When finally arriving at the store, numerous people were waiting for me, opened the store, started waiting on customers, all that time, phone was constantly ringing." "Had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, they spilled all over the floor, got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with perfume bottles on it, half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing, I finally got back to answer it, it was your wife, she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me mister, as God is my witness,-------
-----------all I did was tell her."
WELL...Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally affected me financially.
In order to offset the extra cost for food, electricity, etc. I have a need to make some extra money on the side... it is what it is.
So here's to my new venture.
So...I am now proud to announce that I am selling ADULT TOYS.
I hope no one will feel embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs. I can send pictures and dimensions etc. Just ask.
Discretion is guaranteed!!
Ask for yours anytime. I have everything listed below:
-Heating pads and more
Copy n paste if u have a sense of humor!!!... I did!!
Priest's Retirement Speech,
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!”
“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional, and whom i shall not name, told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”