These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat."
When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"
Puns for Inquisitive Minds:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23. Two paddlers sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did...
One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him.
Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa.
A few seconds later, and
The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.
thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there.
Then he hears
‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’
The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit.
Next thing he hears is CRASH
The coffin comes through the bathroom door knocking it off it’s hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming.
Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming.
Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin &
The coffin stopped.
I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, I’ve got a dog."
She asked, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"
THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING IN ARKANSAS
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road
with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000
live in Arkansas , plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
'Twiced' is a word.
People actually grow and eat okra
'Fixinto' is one word.
There is no such thing as 'lunch.'
There is only dinner and then supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you
start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
'Backwards and forwards' means I know
everything about you!
Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
You don't have to wear a watch because it
doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done
or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them..
You measure distance in hours. Like its 3 hours from Little Rock to Fort Smith.
You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to
'A/C' in the same day.
'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to
You install security lights on your house and
garage and leave both unlocked.
Yes, Friday night high school football games is serious football!
You carry jumper cables in your car . . .
for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper,
Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and
international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,
still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time
known as 'goin' to Wally-World.'
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or
pop. .. . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example:
'What kind a coke you want?'
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . .. .
if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
If you understand these jokes please forward
them to your friends from Arkansas (and those who just wish they were).
EVERYONE can't be from Arkansas .
You might say it's a gift from God!
And the most important thing we learn growing up in ARKANSAS is...
IN GOD WE TRUST
A sardonic Senior might say.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Free Sex With Fill-Up
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'