A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A guy walked past a florists and saw the name of it was called "Say It With Flowers" so he went inside and bought one rose, to which the florist said "you only want one ?" ,and, he replied "Yes....I'm a man of few words !"
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be 6 again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a Disney movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 6 again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, when he saw an elderly native American guy walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked him if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the guy got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with him.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old man.
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said:
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The native American was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:"Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office.
It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life.
Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
The young woman sitting next to him had enough and she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use. Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car window with
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to
its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. After "Invalid Card" is displayed - Remove the afore mentioned "Marks & Spencers" Charge card and insert correct Cash Point card
11. Remove Cash Point Card
12. Re-insert Cash Point card the right way up.
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
14. Enter PIN.
15. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
16. Enter amount of cash required.
17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
18. Retrieve cash and receipt.
19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
21. Re-check make-up.
22. Drive forward 2 meters.
23. Reverse back to cash machine.
24. Retrieve card.
25. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
28. Release hand brake.
Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was 10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single1 dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as a down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Walmart. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ole' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.
(You're going to hate me for this..)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for 1.00 @ Walmart"
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”
My husband and my vet don’t like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!”
And he closed the door.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex. These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked.
"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water
every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found". The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making
love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He
peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"
*Whiskey produces female hormones in men !*
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Montreal University scientists revealed this.
Men should take a concerned look at their Whiskey consumption.
The theory is that Whiskey contains female hormone producing agents (it contains phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough Whiskey men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 cups of Whiskey each within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) *Argued over nothing.*
2) *Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.*
3) *Gained weight.*
4) *Talked excessively without making sense.*
5) *Became overly emotional.*
6) *Couldn't drive.*
7) *Failed to think rationally,*
and *Had to sit down while urinating.*
No further testing was considered necessary