A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’
The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
Okay, so... After 45 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married...
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured...
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze...
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays........But I fish on Fridays.
A female researcher was writing her thesis about the effects of long army service and sexual function.
In one of her first meetings with war veterans, some still serving, some honorably discharged, she decides to pose a somewhat delicate question.
“Can you please tell me, and don’t be shy, when was the last time you had intercourse?”
Most of them mumbled some embarrassed reply. Only one man, a general, stood tall and said “1956 ma’am.”
The woman, taken back by this answer said “1956?! That long?!”
The woman felt terrible for the general, who was actually a good-looking gentleman and decided to break his long dry streak herself.
She invites him to her apartment for dinner after the meeting.
He agreed, and after a nice meal, the two made passionate love for an hour.
Afterward, exhausted, the woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and whispered: “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956…”
The general looked at her confused and said: “Well I sure hope not. It’s only 2330 now!”
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ...
Naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete and Bill Browning,
and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
The devil is in the details….
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
he broke his podium.
Daddy, how was I born?
Well, Son, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male."