Texas Humor

[CWO3ROBBIE]

The following is typical Texas Humor.

for some reason, I can not get things to post here. The humor is in the first comment.

 

 

 

[Aggie]

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

[Aggie]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big departmentstore looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After thestore was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[Aggie]

A state surveyor visits a farm on the Texas-Oklahoma state line.

He tells the old farmer that it's been discovered that his farm may actually be in Oklahoma, and not Texas.

After several days of surveying, checking and rechecking, the surveyor tells the old farmer "Yep, I was right, your farm is in Oklahoma, not Texas."

"Good thing," says the old farmer, "Couldn't take another one of those Texas summers."

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

A Texan is drinking in an Arizona bar when he gets a call on his phone. As he listens, he starts grinning from ear to ear. When he hangs up, he shouts to the bartender,
"Drinks on me! Everyone gets one!"
The bartender starts pouring, and the crowd gathers, eager to hear the good news.
"Well," the Texan says proudly, "My wife just gave birth to a typical Texas baby boy—25 pounds!"
Gasps ripple through the bar. No one can believe a baby could weigh that much. The Texan just shrugs and says,
"That’s about average in Texas. Like I said, he’s a typical Texas boy."
People cheer, one woman faints from the thought, and shouts of
“NO WAY!” and “UNBELIEVABLE!” fill the room.
Two weeks later, the Texan walks back into the same bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, you’re the guy with the 25-pound Texas baby, right? We've all been betting on how big he’d be by now. So—what’s he weigh?"
The proud dad takes a slow sip of his beer, wipes his mouth on his sleeve, leans on the bar and says:
"21 pounds."
The bartender looks puzzled. "Wait—he was 25 pounds at birth. What happened?"
The Texan grins.
"We had him circumcised!"

[Aggie]

This week I heard a story of a man who was sitting in a choice, reserved seat at Kyle Field. Another man sat down beside him and pointed to the empty seat on the other side of him and said, ”It’s hard to believe someone would have such a great seat for the game and not show up.”. The man replied, “Well, actually that empty seat belongs to me. You see, my wife recently passed away and that was her seat.” The man said, “I’m so sorry to hear that. But didn’t you have a friend you could bring with you?” The man replied, “No, they’re all at the funeral home.”

[Aggie]

TEXAS CAUTION:
In regard to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...
Before you come to Texas to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, around the rural and well, All of TEXAS There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing in our river bottoms, hill country, mountains or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
On the Texas Coast, Bull Sharks are bigger than Jaws & way more aggressive. The Beaches are overrun with Portuguese Man of War Jelly Fish & the Sting Rays are as big as a Volkswagen Beetle.
Our lakes are full of gators, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.
Texas Mountain Lions have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.
Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.
The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the localocal.

[Aggie]

THE RULES OF RURAL TEXAS ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to Texas farmers. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. Grain farmers have $350,000 combines that they drive only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Texas waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters, gravy, beans and cornbread. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop...
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's religious holiday held in November.
10. We open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three seasonings - salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Chicago call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be homegrown, cute, knows how to shoot, drive a truck, and she better have long hair..
15. College and high school football/basketball are as important here as the Bears and the White Socks .... and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Voc-techs. Folks come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays..
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway..We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. By the way.... if you want to talk to God in Texas, it's a local call.
A true Texan will send this on!!