These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
Reporter asked to the CEO of a fast growing business firm .
"Sir ! what is the secret behind success of your firm?"
CEO: " Well ! actually all the credit goes to managers of different departments. They are hard working, dedicated ,honest and all of the above ,they are punctual".
Reporter: "But it is almost impossible that all of your employees are punctual .How do you motivate them to be on time?"
CEO: "very simple...there are total 19 managers, all of them come office by their own car. We have a strict policy about parking. It is absolutely free for the first 18 cars but there is a charge of $100 for the 19th one.
He grabbed me by my slender neck
I couldn't yell or scream.
He took me to his dingy room
Where we could not be seen.
He stripped me of my flimsy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I was wet and cold and damp,
And he was nice and warm.
His feverish lips he pressed to mine,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
And I couldn't make him stop.
He made me what I am today,
That's why you find me here...
A broken bottle, tossed away,
That once was full of beer.
Texas Chili Cook-Off
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major part of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — Holy crap, what the #@!$ is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I’ve snorted Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Sally, the barmaid, pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting s×*@-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn our taste buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing because it’s too painful. Screw it. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This last entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fellow, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
Diary of a newcomer to Texas.
Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful, I've finally found my home, I love it here.
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. Forgot and walked barefoot on a sidewalk today. The blisters will be OK by tomorrow, I think.
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the good ole' sun in a climate like this.
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. The cicadas in the trees never shut up.
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? A buzzing June bug landed on me in the middle of the night and I peed my pants.
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Opened the closet and looked at my sweater and coat. Why? Why? Why did I even bring this stuff? Got Fall Fashion catalog in the mail today with pictures of beautiful sweaters. Threw the catalog out the window. Bought more tank tops in different colors.
If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked A$$ !
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my rear was on fire. My legs accidentally touched the leather and melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and rear end . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair.
The weather report might as well be a dang recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything but sit by a fan for 2 darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow away. Even the cactus can't live here.
Welcome to HADES! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live in this state ?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
june bug eh?
A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?”
The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”
So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”
The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”
So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.
Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”
“Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.
“You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”
The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
An old College of Ag joke: A farmer was having problems raising chickens so he wrote to his local Agricultural Extension agent. "I've been buying baby chicks but they keep dying. Do you think I'm planting them too close or too deep?" The agent writes back "It's difficult to say. Please send a soil sample."
This could happen to any of us...
$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and
something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
P.S.. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son, as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins.”
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some polish sausage, please."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst would you ask me if I was German> Or, if I asked for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? What if I asked for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya,huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With a deep righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because, this is Home Depot."
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."
Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.
He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.
One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"
The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this subject?"
The shoeshine man replies:
"I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market."
The CEO of the bank asks:
"What is your name?"
"John Smith H."
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department:
"Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?"
"We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account."
The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says:
"Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will have a lot to learn from you."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account.
I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I'm sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story."
Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story:
"I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket.
The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith.
I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success.
Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples.
I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money.
When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes.
I didn't spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive.
I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.
I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.
I didn't spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny.
A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.
Finally, 3 months ago, my drug dealer brother passed away and left me 20 million dollars.
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