Battle of the sexes

[EddieDingo]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.  His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”  The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Aggie]

Two Large Ladies in a bar:

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and had a few dranks, and noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you idiot!

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

[Aggie]

Distracted Driving Incident

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new

Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I had to put on my seat belt

and
I dropped

My electric shaver

Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Aggie]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! !! !! !

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

[Aggie]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endur
ed over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!

[Teddy]

Well there is always Saturday if things get stale after 15 years things will be even tougher after 53 years

[Aggie]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.....enough times till her husband says....."Are you wearing crotch-less panties?

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God!!!!.....I thought you were sitting on the cat!

[Aggie]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'.

[Teddy]

I can see were he is coming from i wonder if she made his lunch before she left

[Aggie]

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

[Aggie]

A woman rubbed a lamp and out popped a genie. “Do I get three wishes?” she asked. “Nope, I’m a one-wish genie. What will it be?” “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.” “They’ve been at war thousands of years. I’m not that good,” he said. “What else do you have?” “Well, I’d love a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, likes to cook, and doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie said with a sigh. “Let me see that map again.”

[Aggie]

Whack! Right on the head with a rolled-up magazine! “What was that for?” the husband shouts. “That,” his wife says, “was for the piece of paper I found— with the name Laurie Sue on it.” “But dear,” he says, “that was just the name of a horse I bet on when I went to the track.” “Okay,” she says. “I’ll let it go… this time.” Two weeks later— whack! “Now what?” he wails. “Your horse called.”

[ozzieowl]

I'm trying to be kind guys - by acknowledging your positive traits....

Come to think of it, wasn't there an old film titled 

`A Tale of Two Kitties"...um...or Witties...sumthin' similar anyways!