A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ' Dark in here.‘
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.‘
Boy: ‘I have a baseball..
‘ Man: ‘That's nice‘
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?‘
Man: ‘No, thanks.‘
Boy: ‘My Dad's outside.‘
Man: ‘OK, how much?‘
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‘Dark in here.‘
Man: ‘Yes, it is.‘
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.‘
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?‘
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy: ‘Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.‘
The boy says: ‘I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.‘
The Dad asks: ‘How much did you sell them for?‘
Boy: ‘$1 ,O00‘
The Dad says: ‘That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.‘
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says: ‘Dark in here.‘
The priest says: ‘Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.‘
LOL, How much did the Priest charge for the confession?
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Why Men Are So Happy
(and just a few of the reasons)
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush
and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances,
|best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
Ain't it the truth!
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why is the lady dressed in white?”...His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”....
The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the man dressed in black?”
....ha ha ha ha ha ha hee hawww haaaaaaaaa - good one Aggie
A trucker goes into a brothel and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf-and-turf."
The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on….
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'