A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.
On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal?"
The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."
Jeff’s blind date with Suzanne was bad from the start—in short, they loathed each other. Fortunately, Jeff had asked his friend to call him so he’d have an excuse to leave if the date wasn’t going well. When his friend called, Jeff pretended to be in shock. “I have to leave,” Jeff said to Suzanne. “My aunt just died.” “Thank God,” Suzanne replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would’ve had to.”
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband. “Do I look fat in this dress?” the wife asked. “Do I look dumb in this shirt?” the husband replied.
Ladies, don't be nosy. It's bad for your husband's health! Two days ago I looked at my hubby's cell and saw various calls from Miss Piggy! I dialed and MY cell rang! Poor man's in hospital unconscious for the last 2 days!
Phyllis Diller’s wisdom
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers Get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
A young farmer went for a walk past a farm with his new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."
Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19."
Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.
She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
The term "domestic housewife" implies that there is such a thing as a feral housewife... And now I have a new life goal... to meet one of those!
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed. He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month." Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world? He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like me coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan.
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then.
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow”
IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED... A friend of mine has 2 tickets to the 2021 Super Bowl in Tampa, both box seats. He paid $21,500 each. It comes with a ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, and a $400 bar tab. Also, backstage pass to the winner’s locker room. He didn’t realize when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place. It’s at St Mary's Church in Norfolk at 2:00pm. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5’4”, about 115 lbs, and a good cook, too. She loves to fish and hunt. She’ll be the one in the white dress.
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from the North. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from the West Coast. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.