Battle of the sexes

[EddieDingo]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.  His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”  The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Aggie]

Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain. One guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced."
The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces."

The first man replies, "No, I just got married."

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

Night Out Dancing

A husband, who is not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife's months of nagging to take her out dancing. During the evening one guy on the dance floor is giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

Seeing this performance, the wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

[Aggie]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Aggie]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And then I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there rude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left xxx!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

[Aggie]

Daughter:
"Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your cheque book. Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings , good wishes and a big wedding."
Father:
"Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week". We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him". We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one". I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow". My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Aggie]

A very rich married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

The man not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, told the Italian woman he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. And If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

The Italian woman was skeptical but she agreed, she then asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. And once he got the postcard he would then arrange for the child support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Sweetie, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today from Italy.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife said ok and then watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.

[Aggie]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Below are 11 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while....a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the heck did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

[Aggie]

A lion would never cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood.