Letters to Letterman
Hey Dave, It’s Dave! Can I call ya Dave? You don’t mind, do ya? Dave it is!
Ya, it’s me, Dave here. I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been a bit busy. Really I have. I’ve been busy. Howard Stern has nothing to do with it. So what if I can’t stand that guy. That’s no reason not to keep in touch is it? Just because I can’t stand him and you had him on your show, that’s no reason at all, is it? Of course not, and that has nothing to do with it. I’ve been busy, I really have.
I’ll get to that. Really I will. Just keep your pants on. Your world wide pants - that’s right, your World Wide Pants . . . Just keep your World Wide Pants on, Dave . . .
Say, I’ll tell ya why I can’t stand that Howard Stern. It’s really very simple. He dissed the French. Yes he did, I remember it very well. It was the first week of September, 1997, and he dissed the French on his radio show. He did. He said some very unkind things about the French on his radio show and he wasn’t talking just about the problems he was having in Montreal with the French speaking listening public up there. No he wasn’t. He was referring to all people of French heritage and he said so quite emphatically.
Any way, I don’t like Howard Stern. I never will. The timing of his comments could not have been worse, and I don’t care what problems he was having in Montreal, there was no excuse, given the headlines at that time, for the nonsense that spewed from between his filthy lips. Now I’m quite serious, and in fact I still find it such an outrage that I would, I really would, like to slap that fool silly; the only problem is that I am sure he would be completely unable to retain what small measure of sense he may - allegedly - possess, and I would get arrested for elder abuse. That’s right. Elder Abuse. Never mind that I qualify for AARP myself.
What? You don’t recall the major headline of that time involving France?
Let me give you a hint, here, it’s on my website, the ZenDogBlog, it’s a poem entitled Elegy for the Queen (of Hearts).It’s a good poem, Dave, a formal elegy written with all of the dignity and respect suitable to the occasion, I’m sure you will agree. I hope you will agree.
Ya, so that’s my website, Dave, The ZenDogBlogThat’s alright, you can call me ZenDog. Why ZenDog you ask? Well, you don’t have to call me ZenDog, you can call me Zen if you prefer. Or you could just stick with Dave too for that matter. I won’t mind. Honest. After all, I’ve been called worse . . . Haha. It’s true Dave. I have.
But why ZenDog? Well, I’ll tell you why.
It’s because I’m a real bastard, Dave, and I just don’t care. No, it’s true, I don’t care - and you can leave my mother out of it. She had nothing to do with it. Seriously. That poor woman. She brought me screaming into this world - her, not me - and it’s been nothing but trouble for her ever since. Honestly, I tell ya. Just ask the neighbors.
Well, actually, now that you mention it - we’ve both been screaming ever since - but not at each other. Well - there have been times - but you know - no. Not at each other.
Human Engineering -
It’s not just for elections anymore.
It’s a KILLER!
Ha ha! It’s true Dave. I’ve been screaming!
That poor woman. She has had a rough go of it lately, I”ll tell ya. The man she had been living with for the last 30 years dropped dead of a heart attack the end of January, last week she found out her best friend fell down a flight of stairs and broke her hip in three places, and I still haven’t told her the doctors are currently trying to pin down my expiration date. Haha! It’s all true Dave. I wouldn’t lie to ya. They want to examine the base of my tongue next week, they said they want to put a piece of metal in my mouth with a camera to look down my throat, and so there is a risk of chipped teeth because of the metal.
I asked them “well why don’t you just take me out back and beat me?” I mean, seriously. No aspirin, no ibuprofen, just tylenol until after the procedure. So really. ‘Just take me out back and beat me. Please!’ It would be much easier on everyone I’m sure. No, really it would. And if that doesn’t identify the source of the problem then they will look - again - at my lungs. Not that there is all that much left of them to look at . . .
Seriously Dave, I’m not complaining. You can’t smoke for 40 years and expect to get off scott free.
Speaking of Scott Free - what is up with Riddley? Isn’t it Riddley Scott who uses the logo Scott Free on his movies? NO? Someone else? Is it someone else? What is up with that? Do you think there is some message there? What? It’s just me?
Did you see the President was in Vermont the other day? Yes he was. And by all accounts every one had a great time too, I’m proud to say. I would have stopped in to say hi, but I didn’t have time. I was next door at the hospital getting tests. It’s all true Dave. I would have stopped in - but I was afraid the Secret Service would take one look at my tin foil hat and miss any real threats that might be lurking. Not that we have any up here - Vermont was the first state to declare for the President in the last election. But threats can easily be imported today, Dave. Yes they can. From places like Texass.
Did you hear the President’s comments on the Supreme Court hearing lately? He said those magical words Dave. CONSERVATIVE ACTIVIST JUDGES. He said that Dave! He quoted me!
Do you think he knows?
It’s true. I did say those words just last fall. I spent quite a bit of time on an Occupy Wall Street forum, here, [that is: http://occupywallst.org/users/ZenDog/] and if you hunt around I’m sure you may find it - if the site is still up.
I used the term in citing the movie Inside Job, with your buddy Matt Damon. He is your buddy isn’t he? I mean, I know you’ve had him on your show, and you guys seem to be friends. I mean, if he isn’t your friend I wouldn’t admit it either - were I you . . .
Conservative Activist Judges . . . I used the term several times, I’m sure.
Repelicans. The bastards are worse than the cheating husband who beats his wife for infidelity - and I’ll be the first to tell you: That’s Bad.
That’s BAD! Dave! BAD!
Here’s a quote I saved from the forum - I do, I save my quotes, Dave. I’m big on recycling:
+ **activist judges**
to promote their policy. These were primarily **conservative** judges, and when you watch **repelican** comments on our judicial system, one of their primary complaints is that of
+ **activist judges**
I think it was that slimy newt who just said he would have **activist judges** brought before the Congress to explain their behavior . . .
Strange as it may seem, this would not include those judges who are **conservative activist judges.**
Hence I say
**the repelican party is DONE**
That’s me, Dave. I posted things like that on the Occupy Website. And worse, Dave. And not just on that site either. I’ve got Twitter Buttons, Dave. Twitter Buttons!! Can you imagine?
Ya. So. I’ve been busy, Dave. For a while I was real busy spreading the word on the pending repelican demise over on the Occupy website. They are done, Dave. You got that memo, didn’t cha? The repelican party is DONE. What? You hadn’t heard that? Well it’s true, Dave, they just don’t know it yet. Haha! Well, I think Carl does. You know who Carl is, don’t cha? That’s Carl with a K. That Rove-ing scumbag. Yeah-ya. I think he stopped by at the Occupy Forum, just to check in and make sure all of his minions and their bots were on message. Yeah-ya. The fuckers.
You do understand why the repelican party is done, don’t cha, Dave? I mean, it should be self evident. Brian Williams claimed we broke over 750 high temperature records since January. You know what that means, don’t cha? It isn’t going to be a century before we see the sea climbing three feet. In fact, I think you should consider moving to Chicago soon, Dave. Or somewhere, something above 200 feet above the current sea level. Yeah-ya. I’m serious Dave. It really isn’t funny at all.
The repelican party is DONE, Dave, and you really should start looking for higher ground, asap. They lied, Dave. The repelican party has LIED. Global Warming is here, the Greenland Ice sheet is on its way out, and you better head for high ground.
Did you hear their latest explanation? It’s a doozy. The latest repelican lie is that the earth is subsiding, and that explains rising sea levels. I mean, common. Really? The earth is subsiding in a uniform manner on sea coasts all around the world? Common. They are really getting desperate, that’s what it is, and this latest lie is a clear indication of just how desperate they have become. It’s just a matter of time, Dave. The repelican party is DONE.
Personally I’m convinced that Human Engineering is a repelican creation - a Frankenstein designed by men of the Cheney cloth. That’s right - the Cheney cloth. I mean, after all, it is a religion, isn’t it? Isn’t it a religion, Dave? Bunch of goddamned control freaks, that’s what they are. Aren’t they, Dave? Not that the whole thing is all that new, Dave. I don’t think it is. I think you can see human engineering at work in the story of King David. Sure. Someone near the king decided they wanted him off the throne, and they used his own natural proclivity for pussy to get it done. Uriah’s wife was just the tool. Sure. And once she got pregnant then of course Uriah had to go, because the scandal would have been just too much. But here’s the deal, Dave. Had there not been corruption around the throne then the coverup would have been completely successful, - either that or completely unnecessary because Uriah’s wife would never have been bathing in such close proximity to the King’s view - and either way there would have been no story about King David and Uriah. Sure. You get that, don’t cha?
So. Dave. How’s it feel to be used? Haha! That’s right, Dave. Sara Palin. I know you didn’t mean to imply anything with your humor way back when. I get it. It was just part of the process of leveraging her out of the Governor’s Mansion. You were used. I get it.
Fucking repelicans. Devious bastards, aren’t they? I’m sure it wasn’t any one particular thing, Dave, but rather the sum of them, which is often greater than the individual pieces, of which your Palin jokes were just one small part. Don’t feel bad, Dave. It’s not your fault. I mean, after all, she apparently doesn’t even know what the New York Times is? Common. That book banning bitch.
How about that Jet Blue thing Dave. Didja hear about Jet Blue and the airline Captain that went off? I’m sure you did. Here’s a link via the NYTjust in case you missed it.
The last I heard was that the Prosecutors want a psych eval. The Prosecutors, Dave. Isn’t that a defense strategy?
Seriously. All kidding aside, Dave. In over 100 years of aviation history there has never been such a case. I don’t for a minute believe it’s the Captain’s fault. I think it’s Human Engineering. That’s right. Somebody got to him. Somebody got to him, Dave. They scared the shit out of him. Now, you may not know this, but usually this kind of thing requires a proof of death. That’s right, Dave. Somebody had to die to scare the Captain that bad.
It’s not funny Dave. No, it’s not. I don’t like it, Dave. Not one little bit. And it isn’t the least bit funny.
So. Do you think it’s just Corporate Espionage at work, Dave? Did I hear that Jet Blue was among the top three Airlines for something? - I can’t recall for sure, but I think so . . . I don’t much care, really. NO, I don’t, Dave. I really don’t care if it is corporate espionage or something else. The fuckers. The entire industry refused to consider any kind of security measures even after the events we all remember so well - they stonewalled for weeks after the Twin Towers came down. Now this. I think we should simply make the entire transportation industry a public entity and stop this nonsense. Not that it would stop this nonsense, but it would certainly change the entire equation.
So how’s life in your world, Dave? Up here it’s been a little weird - and lately seems like the cops have been everywhere. Say . . . you don’t suppose someone has been telling them lies about me again, do ya?
Oh, no - wait. No, I really did, I did say thatabout the Chief Justice . . .
Homeland security. Aren’t they a bunch of repelican appointees? Dave! Do you think that means Homeland Security is full of Bushite? DAVE!
There has been some strangeness in the news lately Dave. Has there been strangeness in the news where you are? Around here there were at least three incidents of individuals with guns in their homes surrounded by the swat team, one each in upstate NY, in Vermont, and in NH. All within like a ten day span or something, and just before the President arrived. That’s what I call Statistically Significant, Dave. Can you say Statistically Significant?
That kind of stuff rarely happens around here.
Someone is fucking around, Dave. That’s what it is. Some Human Engineer has been fucking around, and I don’t like it. One of the reasons I don’t like it, Dave, is that it represents a significant drain on tax payer dollars. Not to mention the fact that it scares people. I don’t like it, Dave. No I don’t. The fuckers responsible should be shot. That’s right, Dave. I said it, and you can quote me. I’m a bastard and the fuckers responsible should be shot. That’s right. I said it. You can thank me later.
Then of course there is the murder of Melissa Jenkins.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a teacher who really inspires the kids? Dave! It isn’t funny! The word is Allen Prue was online stalking kids on Facebook before this incident. My guess is that he was in beta testing, and once they got the bugs worked out they sent him on his way. I mean, lets face facts, Dave, shall we? The guy is no giant of intellectual endeavor, and I’m sure easily malleable on the basis of lust and envy.
I don’t know why Dave, I don’t know why they do these things - perhaps just because they can. I would note that these incidents did occur just prior to the President’s arrival in Vermont. All I know with utter certainty, Dave, is that I don’t like it.
I don’t like it, Dave, not one little bit. The bald headed bastards are cowards who lack the courage of their convictions. Do you know how I know this is true? It is true, Dave, and we know it’s true because they simply do not have it in them to stand up and place their own name beside their iconography. Cowards, Dave. That is what they are.
I’m no coward, Dave. I’ve got my own picture up on my website, that’s me, right beside my message.
That’s right. That’s me. With all of my hair. It is quite possible that soon I will be a much balder man than I am now, we shall see. And if so, perhaps I will get a tattoo, on the back of my scull, but never mind.
It’s not just for elections anymore.
It’s a killer.
That’s it for me Dave. I gotta go - and I’m sure I’ve rambled on far too long, from your perspective. But I do want to close with a quote from a character played by Brad Pitt - you know who that is, don’t cha Dave? It’s from the movie 12 Monkeys -
FUCK THE BOZOS.
That’s right, Dave. FUCK THE BOZOS. It’s our patriotic duty, Dave. We owe it to ourselves as well as to future generations every bit as much as to those who have come before us and done their duty in the name of God and country.
Fuck the Bozos, Dave. They are cowards. Inventive little fuckers, it’s true, but cowards none the less.
Be sure and tell them I said so, will ya?
Free the Butterflies
And Kiss My Ass.
You do remember my copyright policy, don’t’cha Dave? You can find it here.