I originally sent this note to the CBS Mailbag on June 29, 2009. It's posted on TBD, but with TBD closing I can't hang out over there anymore, so maybe I'll be around here from time to time. We'll see.
Anywayz, Fuck the Bozos . . .
Hi Dave - its Dave.
Was that St. Martin you had on your show the other night? Oh no, it was Short Martin. I see. Funny guy. He's married? Not that I care, it just seems like it'll be harder to get him out of the closet with his wife in the way. So much for gay pride week.
What was up with his tick jokes? Was he laughing at me for God's sake? What is up with that? I dunno, but I see he can laugh at himself too, so I guess that makes it ok. Mr. Short, pah-leeaz.
Say, did you know neural-linguistics hides crime for the mob? It's true. In fact, they were gonna blow up the Burlington Free Press on Wednesday this coming week at 2 pm, just because I said that. Well, that was the rumor on the street anyway. But I guess they decided that in a society that prides itself on free speech that kind of iconography just wouldn't do so they scrapped that idea.
Really. Wednesday at 2 pm. Can you imagine that? I plan to be there just to see. Yah, I do, I plan to be there. Sounds crazy doesn't it? - I think it must be the result of behavioral conditioning. Must be I have some really really bad behavior and need to be spanked. I mean, can you imagine that? Blow up the entire city, and there's your spanking. EEee.
Seriously though, I'm sure it will be fine, because now the word is that this was all a practical joke spun up by the CIA in a test of our new Homeland Security tools. It still makes me a bit nervous though, cuz I mean think about it. Those guys at the CIA aren't any bigger on free speech than the mobsters or nervous behaviorists, are they? I mean, common. Remember what they did to that newspaper in California? Tore it in half they did. Tore it in half.
So here's a question for ya Dave. Do you think we can end the War on Drugs by, say 2016? Sometime between now and then would be fine wouldn't it? You won't mind that will ya Dave? I mean President Obama will be a lame duck by then and he can just issue a presidential signing if he has to, right? I mean why not? I mean, as long as the narco-Traffickers aren't conducting narco-Terror that would be ok, wouldn't it? Maybe then everybody can get some sleep at night, whaddusay?
Of course we still have the problem in Mexico. But if we quarantine those guys, that should keep the DEA busy, we can grow the stuff on George Bush's ranch and tell Dick Cheney it's funding his return to power, he'll believe it and the public will get a good laugh when he finds out its a lie; and when organized crime finds they can easily purchase a product that is not only cheaper but is grown in America they'll be able to take a bit more pride in their status as citizens doing their part for freedom and the national economy. Don't you think they will be so pleased with their new role they won't even mind when the college kids begin turning themselves in on national pot day? Sometime in April isn't it? Oh, maybe we should change the date of that so it comes after graduation. We don't want the kids demanding to be arrested as an act of civil disobedience until after graduation - unless maybe they do it during Spring Break, but then that might hurt beach tourism so maybe that isn't such a good idea either. After graduation then? Can we do that Dave? Huh? Can We?
And then we can finally let all of the butterflies go, can't we? Can't we do that Dave? Can't we let all of the butterflies go? Can't we show the whole world that it's ok to let butterflies just be butterflies? I mean WHY NOT Dave? Isn't that why this country was founded in the first place, so that butterflies could be butterflies?
Of course if we accomplish all of this it's gonna leave the neural linguists out in the cold and out of a job. Maybe we could arrest them - for butterfly poaching. We could house them and all of the sex offenders at Attica. Oh wait. That might not be such a good idea. Maybe we better keep those two groups apart - as in as far apart as possible.
Did I hear you say you almost got killed the other night? Didn't you say that on one of your shows last week? I mean, what - do you really think any of us care?
I'm just kidding Dave. Really. I feel your pain. Take my word for it. I mean why not? It might be true.
So with the drug war over, the mob can give up all of their illicit sources of cash flow in return for a little myth creation. eYah. We're gonna remember them all as folk heroes.
Folk heroes. They're killers for gosh sakes. Unless they're not, unless they can't, because there are too many cameras. Oh say, if that's true, I wonder if Mr. Sigluchi [Guido - or whatever his name is] would loan me ten thousand dollars.
Speaking of cameras, did you know, every time you shop they take your picture now? eYah. They take your picture. That idea came up through the marketing sector. It's so they can keep their data records synchronized with their face recognition technology. Seems their data matrix has a higher resale value if it is complete and up to date. Well that's fine I say, then I shouldn't have to be bombarded any more with phone calls and television commercials for things I neither want or need. Really.
No really. We need a little more truth in advertising and a little less drama. I mean, behavioral advertising, what is that?
eYah, with less drama in advertising then I guess Rush can go back to selling shoes.
Did you know that in the Christian text they say that there is a path that seems right to a man, and that the end of it is death? eYah, and I think this is it. We just gotta have more truth in advertising. Without it we're screwed.
Say, did you know the U.S. and the Russians have entered into a new space deal? Yah. They're gonna scrap the treaty on the demilitarization of space and work together on new satellite technology. One that uses space based lasers to cause heart attacks. No, really. They are testing it on the mullahs now.
I guess the plan is that once they are ready and they have enough of these satellites they will use the technology to kill all of the Christians who stand in the way of the New World Order. Yah. The Air Force has decided it can get away with it by making a deal with the CIA. Sure. The CIA will be in charge of maintaining order by insisting to everyone they don't use it on it's alright, it's just the Rapture, and everyone simply needs to turn to the bible, place their faith in the New World Order, and everything will be alright.
Yah. And they plan to use a rather bizarre accounting method to assess the cost of the technology and who pays for how much. It seems that they figure since there are so many Christians in this country they are taking the greatest risk if anything goes wrong, so they plan to value each head on a percentage of the cost of the program and then reverse the formula to determine how that translates into how much should be paid by each country for entry into the New World Order. Yah. The more people you have to kill the bigger the lie and the more costs associated with maintaining it. So everyone they kill will be like a share of stock, or if you prefer, a poker chip.
Yah. That's it. We're all Poker Chips.
And of course the Chinese will end up paying the most, because they have the largest country, the fastest growing economy, and the fewest Christians.
Well, how did this happen you say? It seems the Air Force has been a bit jealous ever since NASA got spun off as a separate entity. So they've been working quietly in some back room ever since, devising some new way to get even, and now they have satellites and so they can. It's the revenge of the nerds.
I think the Burlington City police do a great job. I mean, really. What with all of that temptation just laying around. I mean think about it, all of those hawt college girls who just wanna slip out of their speeding tickets. No really. Being a cop today has got to be a really challenging occupation. I mean think about it. They risk their lives to uphold a single set of rules, but within that set of rules there is a subset of rules they can't do anything about because 'it's over their pay grade.' Yah. It's over their pay grade. Well, why don't we just pay them a little more money? It seems we would but when the bankers became thieves the economy tanked and now we can't. We don't have the money.
I mean really, the men and women on the police force are just like the rest of us, they are human too. They are people. We're all people aren't we Dave? Treated like mushrooms, left in the dark, fed a ton of horse manure, and slowly turning psychedelic; but hey, we're all people none the less. We're all people aren't we?
Dave, I hate to say it, but a few weeks ago I called for a revolt. Did you hear about that? I did I called for revolt. I still say we should too. I do, I think we should just revolt. The trouble is that we can't. No. We can't. It seems the behavioral community at UVM went and stole all of the human resources and now there's nobody left.
I did, I called for revolution. I put together a little pamphlet, printed it at Kinko's and circulated it in Burlington during the Jazz Fest. It's called Manifesto: American Mad, and in it I called for revolution. So this is how far it's gone Dave. It seems that overnight I've gone from aspiring firebrand revolutionary to a lowly back ally comedian, telling lies with humor. It's a shame, isn't it? It's a disgrace that's what it is.
Nothing has really changed though, except that now when I say revolt, instead of everyone going all silent, they sit there and laugh.
Speaking of revolt, I was hanging out on the street corner the other night, I can do that, right? Yah, I can do that. I was hanging out on the street corner and everyone was wearing white. Well, almost everyone. Moms, dads, grandma. Even the kids were wearing white. It was like they all surrendered or something. Even the dogs were colored white. I was like Huh?
Ya. They all surrendered. And then came this guy wearing a dark tee shirt with a little dog. His wife was in white, she went to look in a store window and use her cell phone or something, and this guy just stood there, looking around, but not looking at me, you know what I'm saying? Ya. Then his wife came back and when they turned away I saw the back of his tee shirt and on it I saw a small white square, and that looked a little out of place, so I went huh?
Yah, and then along comes this very young lady, attractive, high school age or maybe a freshman in college, and her tee shirt said No Animal Testing. I guess he hadn't gotten the message.
Ya. That's right. I'm an animal. I'm an animal Dave. And I still say we should revolt but they all surrendered already so what am I gonna do now? Ya. They all surrendered and that's why they were all wearing white. So now I guess I gotta go look for a job or something.
Say, have you read the poem by Wilfred Owen entitled Mental Cases? He was a World War I anti-war poet who served as an officer in the British Army. It's an excellent poem and I highly recommend it. Mental Cases. It recounts in the most poignant terms how trench warfare produced war neurosis. It's an excellent poem, and what is really interesting is that the original title was The Aliens.
It's true. I kid you not.
Say, did you hear they've reinstituted the draft? Ya. Though it seems that today they do it backwards. First they drive you crazy, then they give you a check. Once you get used to that then they send you into the war zone naked, and because you don't have a uniform on everybody shoots at ya. They do that because really the war zone is nothing short of a free for all but no one really knows where all of the trenches are. It's like sending up an illumination round only prettier.
And all around the country people see the fireworks and they think, Oh. Look at that', and so they pull out their lawn chairs to watch the show. No one knows there's a war going on because usually in the morning all of the shooting stops and the only evidence of anything is some naked guy screaming but everybody already knows he is insane so it's alright. It's just fine. Everything is normal.
And say, speaking of NORMAL, did you know there are nearly one million people in jail over minor drug offenses? It's true. It's all a part of our War on Drugs. Those guys aren't criminals for gosh sakes. No, they aren't. Not since our government declared war. That was under Reagan, wasn't it? They must have seen the end of the Cold War coming so they decided to get in on this one before it was too late. They were thinking ahead.
And ya, those guys in jail over minor drug offences, they aren't criminals. No, they aren't. They're POWs. Aren't they? It's a WAR for gosh sakes. So I say they should be entitled to the full protection of the Geneva Conventions, don't you think? Say, do you suppose someone should tell the ACLU? Let's get them in on this.
I mean, it isn't like we can burn our draft cards now is it? Oh wait. I forgot. There is no draft. I must have gotten drunk and volunteered or something. That's what happened. We manufacture consent all the time. Ya. So I volunteered. Ya. Someone said Never Again and they thought it meant no more burning our draft cards.
Ya. So I've been a bit nervous lately, have you noticed? Ya. I've been a bit nervous lately. That happens sometimes, it's no big deal really, I mean after all you only live once, right? I'm sure it will be fine, right up 'till it isn't but hey, you only live once. As I said I've been a little nervous and it's like the dog picked up on it. Ya. She's been peeing on the floor lately. She knows better than that, but it's like lately she just gets all excited and all of a sudden, bang. She's peed on the floor. So yesterday morning I finally figured it out. I was really patient with her and showed her there was no reason to be scared, and I pointed at the spot where she peed and you could see, she felt guilty, and so I said No Drama. That's right, I said No Drama. I think she gets it because she hasn't peed inside since. Well it's only been about 24 hours, but hey, in my mind that looks like progress.
So I think it must be a new code word or something: No Drama.
Say, did you see 60 Minutes last night? They had a spot on neuro-science. Yah, they did. It seems we now have a thing they call F-MRI and it can read your mind. It's in the private sector, it can read your mind, and they are working on remote versions of the technology. Ya. So I guess that means it's ok to wear your tin foil hat in public now. Yah. You can come out of the closet with your tin foil hat and not be ashamed. You don't have to be ashamed anymore Dave. Isn't that great? You can wear that hat with pride and people won't necessarily think you're nuts anymore. Isn't that great? And even if you are nuts it'll be alright because people will suppose it might just be war neurosis and extend a little more compassion your way, no matter how crazy you are. People will shake their heads and say, oh look at that, must be he got drafted.
Ya, they do, they have a machine that can take a picture of your brain when you think a thought, and they can decode the colors to know what that thought was. Ya. It was on 60 Minutes last night.
So later I went to bed, and my mind was racing, it's been doing that lately, and I really needed to get some sleep and I needed to slow my mind down so that could happen, you know what I mean? And so I began thinking about one of the Psalms. I can do that can't I Dave? I can think about one of the Psalms if I want. I mean, after all, they say there are no atheists in fox holes, and I'm certain my Depression isn't deep enough yet, so ya. I can think about a Psalm if I want to.
Ya. And then I hear this little voice in my head. I mean, sometimes I talk to myself, sure. You do that don't ya? Haven't you ever had a conversation with yourself? And you know the sound of your own voice, right? Ya, well, that wasn't it. No. No Dave, that wasn't it. It sounded more like some Air Force guy with one of those high altitude air masks on, and he said 'Roger, thanks for that' and I thought, Huh? That's never happened before.
Ya. And so then I got real calm Dave. I got real calm, and you know why? I got real calm because I Know, they don't wanna bother looking too close inside my head. No they don't. They don't because the only thing they will find there is rage. That's right. Rage. It's called Rage Against the Machine.
So I got real calm as I thought about that. Isn't that strange? I got real calm as I thought about all of that rage, and then suddenly I got it. It's No Drama. So I got real calm and I slept like a baby. Best sleep I've had all week. Can you imagine?
So anyway. Thanks for your time Dave. Before I let you go I've got one last thought I'd like to share. And that is that just because I send this email via the link on your website, it doesn't mean CBS has automatic and exclusive copyright to the material. No they don't. They can't do that. They can't do that because then we can't communicate. This is my intellectual property, which I am sharing with you. That is, with You Dave. You might have contractual obligations with CBS and that is fine, but this is my letter to You. The real gift herein is that this is a personal invitation to You to create with this letter whatever you want. And you don't owe me anything. How's that for a deal. That's right, you owe me nothing. If you want to use any of this material on your show, go ahead I say. Give me credit, or not. It makes no difference to me. As recipient of this letter you can use it any way you want.
As a product of my creativity, I will be exercising my rights to this material later today. And I will continue to exercise my right to reproduce and to share any or all of this material, or to modify this material, when and as I wish, regardless of whether you use or modify any part of it on your show or not. And the first place I am going to distribute it is among members of the ACLU. That's right Dave. I'll be sharing it with lawyers. Now that's scary. Isn't that Scary Dave?
I bet there is an entire board room of CBS executives shaking in their shoes right now. I know. I think they see yet another writer's strike looming on the horizon and they're nervous.
Ah well. So that's it Dave. You can use this material to be as creative as you like and you owe me nothing, and I will use this material as I like and that's that. And when I use it in it's entirety it will be titled as A Letter to Letterman: Hi Dave it's Dave or something similar indicating the nature and origin of these contents. And let me be clear - that is not an obligation I am extending to you. Do what you want I say. It's a free country, this is a gift, do what you want.
And if CBS doesn't like it what can I say. They'll just have to kill me. Good luck I say, take a number and have a seat. It may be a long wait.