Letters To Letterman
Hey Dave - It’s Dave!
You remember me, don’t’cha? Dave? It’s Dave - or Zendog of the ZenDogBlog You remember - sure you do. The Rabid Master. Yeah ya. Haha. That’s me!
Seriously, I’m not Master of My Own Domain. I just don’t give a shit. BWA hahaha! Haha! It’s true.
What? You don’t remember? It’s me! Dave! Oh, oh I get it. You are just having me on. Yeah-ya. You are just funnin’ me because I can never remember if I’ve tied my own shoes or not. Haha. Yeah. Say. That reminds me. Have you tied your shoes, Dave?
Haha! Ah well. Say, I would have gotten back to you sooner, Dave, and I should have, really I should because there has been an awful lot of stuff going on. I mean really. But honestly, I haven’t felt so hot lately. Haha. No, I haven’t. I’ve been tired, Dave. Really I have. Have you been tired lately? I have. I’ve been tired. Yeah-ya. Tired of the Bullshit, Dave. I mean, honestly. Haha.
Hey, I saw something interesting on the highway last week. I was on my way to recycle a few old tires and a bunch of chemicals from Al’s shed out behind mother’s place - I told you about Al, didn’t I? He dropped dead of a heart attack back the end of January and I’ve been cleaning up ever since. Well, it is true. I think I’m starting to get to the end of it too. There are still a couple of projects left, but never mind.
So there I was, on the way to recycle some stuff, you know, hazardous waste, yeah, some stuff, and on the road in front of me was a stake body truck pulling a utility trailer. The truck hit a bump, and the trailer started to fishtail. Yes, it did. It fishtailed. From the middle. Yeah. From the middle, Dave. The tongue of the trailer came off the ball. Now, you may not know this, but this is very important, Dave. You should take notes just in case you ever want to pull a trailer. Always cross your safety chains, Dave. Yeah-ya. Always cross your safety chains. Why? Because. If you loose your tongue the chains will catch ya. Haha. Yeah. This guy had his safety chains crossed. You know how I know? I know because the trailer didn’t flip right over the truck when it came off. The safety chains caught the tongue of the trailer preventing it from behaving like an Olympic High Jumper. Haha. Yeah ya.
So, you know. Then I saw the news and obviously I have to use my tongue. Sure. Why? Well, because. I can’t even remember if I tied my shoes, never mind any safety chains. Haha. Yeah.
Dave - I do have a confession to make. I didn’t watch the show. I saw the ads. The First Lady. The First Lady, Dave. Juxtaposed with jokes on the Secret Service?
Dave . . .
That’s just mean. I don’t understand, Dave. I just don’t understand. I know you don’t vote repelican. No, you don’t. You know how I know? I know because you are an individual of means. An owner of real property. No sensible owner of real property votes repelican today, Dave. You know that, don’t you? Of course you do. And they don’t vote repelican because too many owners of real property have gone under water in the last few years thanks to decades of Repelican Deregulatory Fever. And in the years to come many many more owners of real property will find themselves under water because of repelican lies and their entire do nothing approach to Global Warming. Like the entire State of Florida. Now I know you know all of this and so you don’t vote repelican - and so that can’t explain your meanness to the First Lady.
And I know it isn’t to ingratiate yourself with the boss - because you really don’t give a shit what the owners of CBS really think. I’m sure of it. You don’t care about that any more than you care about the strange white truck that was parked on my road two days in a row, in two different places. It’s a dead end road, Dave. Not a side street. And it’s a long walk to anywhere from where it was parked - either day. You don’t care about any of that - and neither do I. I just don’t give a shit.
So why, Dave? Why? Haven’t people been entirely far too mean to the First Lady already? I mean, common.
Dave . . .
I mean, surely you are aware this whole Secret Service thing was a set up, right? It probably took a year or two, using the best of the current methodologies, capitalizing on the fact that many of these guys are single, athletic, confident, part of an elite team, and like going to the bar after work to pick up hot chicks. Sure. A little behavioral reinforcement over time, ensuring that they are sufficiently - programmed - haha, yeah - programmed, - not to expect prostitution to come up as an issue, because the prostitutes were always paid by someone else. Haha. Sure. They never knew. And they never saw it coming.
It is an election year, Dave. What? You think I’m off? Haha, well it is true - I am off, about half a bubble off my rocker but it isn’t my fault Dave. Honest. But it’s true, you could be right, after all, it is just one explanation among many possibilities.
Say, did you see the news today? Bird strikes. Bird strikes, Dave.
So here is a bit of a prediction for you, Dave. Because I want to be sure you come out on the right side of this thing, if you see what I mean, which obviously is as always the left side of anything because the right side is simply insane. You just have to think creatively, Dave. Haha. Yeah. I do, Dave, and I have for years. IF I didn’t I would have been on mandated medications long ago. Haha. Yeah. It’s true.
Now, this prediction is not based on guess work. No, it isn’t. It’s not some wild hunch. It’s simply based on the practical realities of the world we live in today. FMRI technology is a part of that world, and you can see 60 Minutes for evidence of that fact. My prediction is that a bird behaviorist is about to get fired. That’s right. Fired. Fired for inducing birds to commit suicide. Suicide by Secretary. Haha! That’s right. Fired, Dave. If you consider fatal car accidents as a form of employment termination. Haha. That’s right.
What? You haven’t heard? But Dave! The movie Inception has been out for a couple of years now!
You aren’t getting all this? Not making any sense, is it. Never mind, Dave. Never mind. Birds just naturally want to fly into jet engines, and they don’t much care if they belong to the Vice President or the Secretary of State. Just remember, going to the moon was nothing more than science fiction back when you were born. That’s right. Now we’ve been there, done that, and it’s on to new frontiers. Ha ha. That’s right. Like the deepest recesses of the bird brained. Haha.
I also predict a whole new department within the Pentagon. But you’ll probably never hear of it. Bird
Behavior and Management. BM for short. Haha. Well. It’s won’t be entirely new, I don’t suppose. It just won’t have its offices hidden in some dark and musty corner of the basement, that’s all. Haha. Yeah ya.
Gotta go man. Enjoy the gift. Haha. Don’t take that the wrong way Dave. This is the only gift I’m giving ya. You do remember my copyright policy, don’t’cha Dave? You can find it <a href=”http://teebeedee.ning.com/profiles/blogs/a-letter-to-letterman-hi-dave”>here.</a>