Marriage - Again

[ThisAndThat]

I'm not placing this in a mixed group of women and men in order to get women's unbiased opinions.  I was not happy being married due to many reasons.  Far too many to go into here.  I'm with a man now who is pressing to get married again and I think this will end our relationship as this is not where I'm currently at.  He's twenty years older than me and didn't want marriage when we were first dating last year.  I met him on the original TBD!  Would you do it again now that you are more mature?  What would need to be in place this time that you did not have the first, second or more times around?  Does marriage benefit the woman or men more as we mature?

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

back to T&T : Ahhhhh... hugs.

Well. DD3 has a very very good point. Why do you think I'm with a younger man LoL! Winking here - wink wink. Actually - it's just worked out this way, and it's - nice. I've dated men 20 years my elder - it was a not comfortable match. I'm better in the 13ish year and less range either way. Normally the closer to my age the better - TSD happens to be an exception, and an exceptional human being.

But enough abut me. T&T ~ as you are successful in your own right, I doubt that others would have that impression (after his money etc.) Esp. if the two of you have been a couple for a fair length of time. My gut reaction to your posts is that you have grown into your success and independence at great price, and at 46 (you are ten years younger than I ) are at (quite possibly) the pinnacle of your success - as I was at your age. If i were you - I'd be extremely reluctant to give this independence up - and I suspect it would be required of you if you married, if not right away - eventually.

Very successful men - no matter how embracing encouraging and kind they are - are opportunistic by their very nature. I suspect you are sensing an undercurrent of self-centeredness from him you are reluctant to acknowledge, even to yourself. It's not a fault of his - it's simply who he is, and you may be sensing that you would have to (yet again) sacrifice yourself upon the alter of a man's needs or wishes, to your own detriment.

Now before anyone chastises me for being an armchair consultant here - pls. let me remind everyone that since I have lived a life of complete freedom - I have encountered many situations and have been courted by quite a number of chaps. I spent seven years with a man who is rich and I figured out a few things.

I suspect you are being pragmatic and realistic T&T. Something that one becomes when one is self-employed and a successful entrepreneur. Knowing one can be entirely self-sufficient is enormously powerful, and is STILL not applauded in society the way it should be.

So I for one - am encouraging you to follow your instincts along with your heart. If it is causing you this much agony - then I'd personally step away if I might suggest for a while to get a clear bead on it all without the distraction of his needs versus yours. If he truly loves you - and you are honest with him, he will understand.

[ThisAndThat]

Well I do not do the younger man thing well. Success is success and I am just making it. Neither rich nor poor. Just making it while paying two full time employees salaries and health benefits at the same time. Reluctant to give up independence is correct. Again you astound me with your wisdom. Thank you.

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

Thank you. Almost 44 goes into almost 57 better than a 13 year difference at your age T&T. Trust me on this ;) - and some people are old souls, or mature faster - or well - you know the "not generalizing" drill! You may feel quite differently ten years hence, when men who are (much) older than you are not able to keep up with you.

I am neither rich nor poor - and certainly less able to be quite as spontaneous than before my move to the States and this downturn. However - one thing I know for certain. When one is truly happy - price no object to maintaining that happiness. And happiness begins with oneself, singing to one's own strengths, singing to one's own needs, with an eye to sharing someday, as equally as possible.

[Mother Sanity (JackieRodzinski)]

I've been married for 16 years. 16 Miserable y ears. I am VERY independant and taking care of me for e has been ta much better alone. My children are almost grown and my dream is to leave my husband.

But, I have a serious auto-immune disease and he has been taking care of me for years. He cooks, shops, works, cleans, with nary a complaint but for money. thats real love. Now he is getting older. How could I possibly ever leave him, though its been my life long dream?

[Mother Sanity (JackieRodzinski)]

I cant afflord it and tom would fuss. Moreover, I feel obligated to stay with him, as he gets dumber, blinder and more deaf. I feel I owe it to him. He loves me...but this relationship has been over forever and the years have been so lonely.

[Mother Sanity (JackieRodzinski)]

Thankyou.

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

Ah . . .there is an expression in French I'm rather fond of - it translates to "A heart that cries does not have what it desires" . There are so many complicated layers to this story of yours, no? A tapestry. Remember to rejoice in that which you might miss terribly once it is gone - there are always several things that haunt us once a certain book is closed. It sounds as though you have been alone for a long time, and being alone in a marriage is the height of loneliness. But nothing is a lifetime sentence, nor does this time need be purgatory. As you create your view - so does it create you. Be of good cheer, no dream dreamt true goes unrealized.

[Mother Sanity (JackieRodzinski)]

I dont believe this, but I appreciate the sentiment. Love you!

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

And hope springs eternal ! And where there is a will - there is a way . . . oh just ignore me - I'm just a stubborn little pea who has moved heaven and earth with the force of a Hercules to change situations not to my liking, so I'm a believer of my own mythos and like to encourage others to sing to their strengths, and their dreams, no matter the circumstances!

But it is a savage little planet - I'm not overly impressed actually ;) and suspect this world is a kind of purgatory! Have I mentioned gravity is highly overrated?

LynneAnne - I LOVE your words: "I will not risk the possibility of ever having to dream my life...now that I can live my life." Beautifully said.

[Mother Sanity (JackieRodzinski)]

Is it better to die unhappy knowing you did well by someone, or is it better to live happily, knowing you destroyed/abandoned someone?

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

Ah well, that is a challenging questions of personal morality, of ethics, of compassion, of courage. When the karmic debt is paid in full, you will know. Until then, sometimes dogged perseverance is the better part of valour chère. I empathize.