"Vikki's World"

[jan]

I've been "Vikki" for over a year. It started in a chat site I started going to...I needed a nikname for myself and always like the name and spelling of "vikki" I used it at the chat site, until a clone start showing up...I changed my nick to "Touched" and something happened so I went back to using "vikki" and everyone I had gotten to know there like it better for me.. A couple people still call me "touched".
I first joined TBD and used "vikki" and now I feel lost here without it.
I need the name for my private world..since the name is me.

[jan]

A poem I recently wrote...."Needing People"

I walked in darknes and along the fringes just beyond the light

I felt lost and alone...people all around, people I know....but I'm cold and alone.

I'm walking along, the street is bare, yet I feel people bumpng me as they walk by.

The buildings seem empty, houses dark, brooding.

The light scares me...I stay in the darknes...willing to suffer.

A blue light appears ahead of me.......another..

As they come towards me, I feel peace as I watch them grow....what are they

They are in the light, and look so beautiful there.. I want to join them but I am afraid

They are closer now...they're shapes, I can see that and they beckon me..motioning me over.

I want to go, but I'm afraid...the light is life and I can't deal with that.

The darkness is safety and I want to stay...but they keep calling me...I ache to join them...what am I to do?

I can feel warmth, love....it flows from them towards me. These feelings are old, but so new...I take a step and stop...do I dare go into the light. Its so scarey, but they're calling...

I have to go..I need them

Without people, how do you survive in the darkness?

[Karla KC]

Yes, indeed.
It's proven by science that a baby, without touch and someone to talk to (someone talking to him), doesn't develop nearly as well as other babies, and actually starts presenting signs of trauma, even without being hurt. Just for the lack of human interaction.
Sometimes, when we become adults, we might forget that basic human need, and might turn to different things, always with a feeling that something is missing. Often times the only thing needed is an arm to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a laughter to share with, a tear to dry. The human touch, the feeling of being respected, accepted and understood, that somebody cares, even in our darkest hour. And that makes all the difference.

[jan]

And something in our past...a traumatic event can make us fear personal contact with certain people, or people in general...yet we need that contact you speak of.

[jan]

A Friend

Do you ever wonder about things in life?

Why you are the way you are?

Experiences in our past help to form our

our future, whether good or bad.

My experiences taught me not to trust

not to love, nor to believe.

I just wanted to be me and do my own thing.

having no one to answer to.

My worst experiences were with men.

They took & took and left nothing for me.

For a time, I stuck it out, hoping the next one,

or the one after, would be different.

Just when I hit bottom, I met a man.

One who swore he was like all the rest.

Oh, but there was a difference, for he

was honest.

And with that honesty, I learned so much.

From a friend, I learned to trust, to believe,

And that I could and would love again.

For if I could have one friend like this,

Why not another, so right for me.

But I lost it all the other day,

and no one knows it.

I lost it all because the man, my friend,

was just that, a man, like all the rest.

[jan]

Thank you Greg....you can always call me vikki.....thank you for everything.

[Wayne Hagan]

Only YOU can be YOU,the name doesn't matter!
Your Friend- Wayne

[jan]

You're right Wayne...no one can be me but me! I need to remember that more.

[Wayne Hagan]

It's the secret to being happy! You got it girl,just go with the flow!

[jan]

My Peace

I watched you for a long time, it seems
there was something about you..it called to me
I found myself looking for you, reading your passages
and feeling ...something...I was not sure what.

I heard you were sick and it pained me...the thought
that you could go away.....a person just never knows.
I wanted to reach out to you, but I did not feel worthy
I felt I had to be worthy of a friendship from you.

So I set out on a journey...to finish understanding your ways.
A way of life that I thought so different...
Instead I found you and I are similar...we share the same love
of life, values, choices in what we do.

Two different women from opposites sides of this country
but with the same love of life, of earth, and the inhabitants
Only we're walking two different paths to the same spot
with many a detour to get there

By not being friends, I feel I have learned alot...
we are friends...we share so much so ...
When you came to me and offered friendship
I smiled because I was already there....at peace.

[thallygal]

Vikki, Jan, whatever, you are you and that is just the way that i like you...as you...reading your poem about Needing People reminds me of the dark night of the soul...where you are unfamiliar with the familiar, in familiar places, with familiar people...is nice to see the blue lights and to be able to go toward them and know that the lights, (life) is there to teach you so you can teach, (as you do)....wonderful poem..thanks for sharing
and the one about "A Friend" and trust...how many of us grew up not trusting..
reminded me of a poem i wrote a very long time ago

On Innocence

Gazing out on a cloud cast sky,
A song touched my heart, a lullaby.
It said hush precious baby, there's no need to fear,
Your parents will guard you,
your crying they'll hear
.I believed and I trusted, a smile in my eye,
As I listened, I waited, and time it passed by.
I lay there so patiently, waiting to hear
The soft brush of a lullaby, as my parents passed near.
Oh that song never came, as I waited that night,
Just a message of hatred, on anger and fright.
All I heard were the words that they had, just for me,
"Close your eyes, oh my child, for you must not see,
The things that surround you by night and by day
Do not trust your heart, it will lead you astray.
If you listen to soul, they will get you for sure,
If you follow your heart, you'll end up in their lure.
"So I listened to them and I closed up my heart,
My head it worked overtime, I became oh so smart.
When a person would say, "Do you want to be friends?"
I would smile and with wisdom,
I'd say, "Let's pretend,
That we're friends, that we're lovers, That we want to share
And then when it's over, we can say we don't care.
If we do it this way, we will never be broken,
You will never know me...and the words that I've spoken,
will have been from my head and not from my heart,
I know my dishonesty, right from the start.
"Well, I did it this way for so many years,
That my heart and my soul, they were smothered by tears
For that person inside me who wanted to be,
Free from the bondage, free to be me.
I was tired of the messages sung me that night,
The message that bound me, and kept me from flight.
The revulsion I felt at my dishonest ways,
Made it easy to shed regrets of those days.
And go on to the present, with the joy that I be,
Able to share with you,
ALL that is ME.
Thalia

[jan]

Thally, that is so moving and thank you very much for sharing it with me.

[thallygal]

You are very welcome,
this tbd thing is awesome, I think...amazing the friendships formed
thanks for being one
thalia