Single Again....

[Kim]

I Have been with a super nice man for 2 years who has a heart of Gold, he is kind, honest, respectful, thoughtful, loving, hard working. We have a friendship where we can and have talked about everything. I have rarely seen him mad about anything. He is loved by everyone. He is also "well known" in the town where he lives. People know where he came from as a troubled boy from an abusive home. They know where he's been as a trouble making punk, and they  know that he is now an easy going mild mannered guy who will give you his shirt and his shoes if you needed them.

Well, because of the above attributes, I have minimized the issues and troubles that eventually I HOPED would NOT get in our way. I'm not going to put the man down except to say that he has many health issues that I believe are complicated by untreated Emotional painful hurts he has suffered throughout his life. He sometimes drinks too much but I stated at the beginning that I will only DEMAND his drinking stops if it affects "US" directly. He doesnt get mean but he will text or call and then get aggravated when me or one of his family members dont know what he is talking about then it gets into a NOT GOOD situation so I told him NEVER EVER call  me when he is drunk. Generally he hasnt since December. But he will sometimes text and I can ALWAYS tell when he has been drinking. It would be fine except he gets very touchy and then suddenly i am on his nerves or whatever. For absolutely NO REASON....I never nag or complain about him. SO ANYWAY....he seem a bit more worried and stressed than usual tho he hasnt been drinking much since about St patrcks Day.

SO...with a combo of things and situations that were not necessarily BAD, I chose to write and leave a note about 3 days ago when I was at his place to pick up somethings of mine I needed. He was not there. I wasnt unkind with my words and I didnt burn any bridges. I just said what I thought he probably wanted to say to ME but didnt want to hurt my feelings....that we need to stand back from this relationship as not to damage the good it IS and has been and let him get himself together. I suggested (what we had talked about before and AGREED he needed) he get a therapist to help heal the painful wounds of his past and to do would he could to get his physical pain back on track. I also said that if he wanted to go anywhere together or just wanted me to come over that I would be here for him. (Due to some Prostate infections and back pain, our relationship is not relying on the physical aspect, if you know what I mean although he ALWAYS made sure I felt loved) But I have released us BOTH from a relationship responsibility. I have talked to him a little bit in the past 2 days but we never talked about the note (it really does NOT necessarily need to be discussed...its all about what we both know is truth).

And now I am wondering...did he even SEE the note?!! I'm sure he HAS since I put it on the table but it was next to a bunch of newspaper that COULD have got brushed aside. I dont want to ASK in case there was something that hurt him. I am ALWAYS worried about someone being hurt by something I said.

I am still struggling to decide if I have done the right thing in letting this man "go"?! On the other hand, I think I hinder his progress by just "being there" because I am not the type to hang around and say, "When are you gonna call the doctor?" "are you gonna do it today?" "YOU need to call or I WILL!"  As my boyfriend once said to me, "You are just not bitchy enough. I need a kick in the pants sometimes!" Well, maybe he DOES but I'm not the type to be a pain in his a$$ till he does it and if I dont "appear" to care (I DO care!), why would HE care to get HELP?!

 

[Woody Woods]

One of the things that are important in any relationship is communication. Being able to talk to each other about what's bothering you, what problems you may be having, how you really feel, etc. I think you should ask about the note. And discuss with him about going to a therapist....and maybe seeing a therapist together. And, as a recovering alcoholic (I haven't had a drink in 20 years), there are no short cuts. If drinking affects your thinking, your attitude, your interaction with people....one needs to stop totally. Too many times excess drinking...even if one drinks once a week...can lead to unexpected consequences. If this person cares about you...and most important...cares about himself, he will do something. Alcoholism runs in my family. My father was a alcoholic and died at the age of 60. Most of my uncles, my father's brothers, were heavy drinkers. And my brother is still fighting the battle himself by going to AA. Personally, I wanted to end the cycle. It was affecting my work, my relationships and my health. I wanted it to end and I stopped completely. No alcohol ever. Just like drugs, a person has to want to stop in order to stop. A person has to want to change. Part time drinking is not the answer...or not calling when drinking is not the answer. And one must be willing to reach out for help if they can't do it alone. Hopefully your friend will get the therapy he needs, hopefully he will see how drinking is affecting your relationship, his health, his friendships....and his future. I hope he gets the help he needs. If not, it's time to end it...because things will not get better. They could get worse.

[Kim]

Thanks everyone...actually the  letter was one of those things, it was AS IF it almost wrote itself. Once I decided i would do it...i wrote 2 pages in less than 2 minutes. I knew I would NOT see him or talk to him for at least another week or so and felt it needed to be said NOW before the "moment" PASSED.

Lynn...you are right, i think he wants a babysitter because he said if I was around "all the time", I would be a motivating factor for him. It sounds like an exhausting job to ME!! LOL!!

Woody...First off, congratulations for quitting drinking!! Mark has a very similar alcoholic history as you and he HAS quit for many years as well. In fact, he quits all the time. He does it because he gets bored and lonely. So he goes down and hangs out at the local bar/restaurant. There's not ANYONE he does NOT know there so they all keep him there by buying drinks and food.  One day, recently, he said, Drinking takes away the pain of his life. SO really I think the main thing he needs to do is learn how to move past the pain. Quitting drinking for HIM is probably the easier part because he WILL go to that same bar and just drink Tea or Pepsi. He NEEDS a psychiatrist big time.

I know this will be a long process. In fact, I almost KNOW how this story ends. This is crazy but about 4 years ago. a little less than that, I was going thru this SAME thing with another boyfriend. I never realized till maybe around Christmas that OMG...these guys are SO ALIKE. HOW in the WORLLD did THAT happen? Maybe my problem is, i am attracted to short, funny, hyper, talkative guys....thats all they seemed to have in common but Christmastime was agony with both of them because of their "pasts" and they became depressed and withdrawn and thats what got me thinking of Michael again. And I realized...they both have the same type family of alcoholics. (Both their dads died before 60 of cirrosshis. They BOTH have a lot of brothers, all alcoholics, each one has ONE in recovery) They're health is poor, they never sleep. In fact, they both take the SAME prescriptions for the same medical problems.  And each one has a stepchild who is closer than their own kids, their MIDDLE names are the SAME as my son's and the coincidences go ON and ON. Michael and I parted as friends and he wanted help but at the same time he DIDNT. When he HIT BOTTOM, he asked if I would take him to a week long LIVE IN  REHAB so I dropped him off and afterwards, I went to his follow up meetings and AA meetings with him for several months but we never got back together and I moved back to my hometown. No regrets...We both did what we thought was best. I hear from him and his daughters from time to time and he has been dry for about 3 years. I dont' know if HE got diagnosed and treated for Bipolar but no doubt in my mind he was. In fact, when I showed him the list of symptoms (there are MANY I copied from a book), he said, OH, is this the "alcoholic test"? Because I MUST be...i have almost every symptom except 3 of them! With Mark, SAME Thing...Bipolar alcoholic who needs help desperately!! And I have no doubt he WILL get help but I feel strongly that that person has to step forward and say, I am ready...will you help me take the next step?

 

[Grandma Helen]

Kim, alcoholics are almost impossible to live with.  I was married to one for 30 years.  The first 10 weren't too bad.  I don't believe he was drinking.  All of a sudden over the next few years he started drinking way too much.  The last 10 were pure hell of him drinking, screaming about everything, disliking everyone and just being hateful.  I divorced him 7 years ago and he's still drinking all the time.  He has a huge distention in his gut area and I would guess he has serious liver problems.  He was drinking a quart of scotch a day and now he told one of my kids that he drinks moonshine. 

[Kim]

First off, Phil, thanks for the compliment. I dont know if I am all that but I DO care about people! Hmmmm..... If I didnt know you lived in Reno, I would think we lived in the same "community"!! LOL! My trouble with all this  from a first person standpoint is that I really dont understand a few things: 1) WHY would ANYONE want to drink SO MUCH they spend the whole next day recovering?  I am a "curiosity" to most people because I drink about 4 glasses of water after I have maybe 2 drinks. 2) Why would ANYONE take Oxycodone or Vicodin "ON PURPOSE"?! I have "had" to take them after injuries or surgeries and I feel miserable and on top of it all, they dont WORK (for me) to take the pain away though they're good at knocking you OUT!! ANd MOONSHINE is a big thing now....everyone is making APPLE PIE moonshine in their kitchen these days and bringing it to picnics, birthday parties, etc. (I must admit, it IS delicious but I remind myself its a TRAP...LOL)

[Woody Woods]

Why people drink too much....and we should ask...why do people take drugs??? I can only speak for myself, but I think it applies to a lot of people. I drank to escape...to escape from myself and what was happening around me. I felt like I couldn't face the real world and the challenges and disappointments that life sometimes throw at you. Getting drunk would give me some temporary relief....but the problem with this is when I sobered up, everything was still the same....lol. I finally realized that life IS a challenge and if I took control of my life, made good decision, correct the bad decisions and treated people with kindness...life can be very good. I also realized that everything is not going to always go my way and compromise can be a good thing. Those who only care for themselves and no body else are always going to have problems. Those who think that something is owed to them without giving something back, will always have problems. Those who have a problem with rejection, will always have problems. For me....once I realized that this world is made up of all types of people with all types of ideas, thoughts, opinions....that I'm just one among many, that I don't have all the answers...and I needed to listen as well as speak...I began to enjoy life. I didn't need to escape into my own little world. There was a lot to discover in the real world. Also....having had the opportunity to visit a couple of so-called Third World countries and see happy faces, even though the people were poor as hell, made me appreciate what I have. I began to ask....if these people can be happy in their situation, I should be able to be happy in my situation.

Drugs and alcohol are an escape. An escape from the real world. And it can also bring out the demons in those who have a low esteem of themselves. And because they are unhappy with themselves, they take it out on others around them. I know I won't see it in my lifetime and it may never happen because of the money involved....but I hope at some point in the future people won't need drugs or alcohol as a way to boost their ego or escape from the real world.

[Kim]

Woody...Ahh that makes sense and now I know why I dont do drugs or (excessive) alcohol....I'm afraid I am going to MISS something....LOL!! WHAT, I have NO idea but I have always been like that even though my life has never been overly exciting in any way...though strangely enough I have enjoyed whatever "HASNT BEEN HAPPENING" in my life...i go with the flow and expect good things, I guess...