The News

[Bmichael]

OK…so some folks went on a cruise…there was a fire…and some essential services were disrupted,  creating  less than desirable circumstances for some 4200 people. I’m being kind here.

From all accounts that I’ve seen, the cruise ship company did the best they could, groveled appropriately and provided  an excellent response   in the form of refunds, cash,  hotels, free flights, free future cruises, etc.

There are also stories of admirable performance by the crew – and let’s not forget that they were living in the same conditions as the passengers.

Our crack news media focused heavily on this event – to their usual fault – and so much of their emphasis was on the presence of fecal material due to system failures – that I was reminded of one of the times that Michael Jackson was arrested and confronted feces in a jail rest room.

Never mind, Michael, that you were being charged with horrendous crimes against children – let’s smokescreen and make this all about poop. (Felonious poop, I might add.)

But I digress.

As the incident finally (!) came to a close – and after the pictures of disembarked passengers kneeling and kissing the ground were published, more accounts surfaced by other passengers who agreed that while the whole experience was unfortunate and challenging - they contradicted the extreme stories of earlier reports.

In other words, it maybe wasn’t all THAT bad.

Except maybe to a few dozen “Michael Jacksons” on board.

Forced to eat onion sandwiches? Really?

Other stories reported that  helicopters were routinely airlifting food and supplies to the stricken vessel.

I also read there was free beer on board.

 True Fact: Did you know beer is classified as food and taxed accordingly?

I would have survived just fine on…er…beer sandwiches. (With or without the bread)

There were also accounts of folks having to relieve themselves in plastic bags.

 Any port in a storm, but I am a bit puzzled as to why the ship’s engineering staff didn’t (or couldn’t) fabricate some form of “Porta Potties” that hung over the side of the ship. That’s what the sea is for, isn’t it? (Not kidding here – we’ve been treating it as a giant toilet for centuries – but that’s why God made shrimp, I guess.)

Fortunately, I wasn’t on that cruise, but if I was, I think I would have taken a more “It is what it is approach” instead of whining and complaining to feed the news media.

…and  would have tossed  at least one cruise line employee overboard every hour until we made land.

Cheers!

Your Pal,

Bmichael

[Westerly_2]

Good thing the ship wasn't staffed by some of our illustrious congressfolk. Picture John Boehner as the captain, trying to execute Plan B, and Paul Ryan as the mess sergeant. Who for chief engineer? Do I hear a nomination?

[Carol T]

Michael Brown, as in "Heck of a job, Brownie."

[Carol T]

The estimable Jon Stewart compared the 24/7 coverage of the cruise ship debacle on CNN to what they declined to cover, such as the Organization of Islamic Cooperation summit meeting.

[Carol T]

My husband says Carnival Cruises should have a new ad campaign: 

Carnival, where every deck is the poop deck!

[Bmichael]

Ok… so Yahoo decided that from now on, all of their employees were going to have to actually physically show up for work. Much like the rest us.

The bastards.

The volume of pissing and moaning – along with numerous “expert” opinions on this that were plastered across the front page of CNN and other websites – staggers the sensibilities. (Well, mine anyway)

I’m somehow missing the importance of this, as far as national news is concerned ,to anyone other than a few hundred disgruntled Yahoo employees.

…and to them I say, “If you don’t like it, quit.”

This is obviously Yahoo’s business. How did it get to be ours?

Must’ve been a slow news day at The National Enquirer , I mean CNN.

 

Next important issue: Women…boon or boondoggle?

[Bmichael]

“I’ve got sunshine…on a cloudy day

When it’s cold outside…I’ve got the month of May

I guess you’d say

What can make me feel this way?

My gun (my gun, my gun)

Talkin’ ‘bout myyy guuun

(Everybody) My gun!

 

Sorry…it’s been a slow weekend – except for the fact that the TSA/Homeland Security has decided it’s now ok to bring knives onto airplanes – as long as the blade length is under 2.36 inches in length and no wider than a half inch.

As I recall, the 911 POS used box cutters as their weapons of destruction on that day.

Having just measured the dimensions of my personal box cutter (manufactured by the Stanley Tool Company – an American  manufacturing company that chooses to establish its corporate headquarters outside of the United States in order to avoid paying taxes because they think it’s too hard to make a profit based on our tax codes.) However, they don’t seem to have a problem with driving their trucks and personal vehicles on our federal interstate highways, send their children to state and federally supported colleges and universities, and use the myriad of other benefits that our tax dollars provide to our citizens.

BTW – I have moronic emails from them clearly stating their positions about this.

The length of my box cutter is in compliance, however the width is slightly greater – am wondering what effect, if any, this would have when slitting the jugular vein of a pilot during a hijacking.

Anyway, as one who would rather stick his head in a furnace before flying in a commercial airplane, I am in favor of the knife rule – in fact, I would also support allowing any number of guns, rifles, swords, crossbows, throwing stars, etc. on board aircrafts as obvious deterrents to terrorists and other freak shows.

I do draw the line, however on RPGs (rocket propelled grenade launchers) for obvious reasons. (The seats and overhead compartments aren’t big enough)

 The thing is, guns are the great equalizer – which is why we love them so much. And with as little as 40 seconds of training, anyone can shoot one.

Of course, there may be difficulties and occasional mistakes.

 While the person in the next seat may not actually be committing a federal crime by repeatedly playing “Free Bird” continuously for the 4 hour trip to Los Angeles…he/she certainly does deserve to die – slowly and horribly.

In addition, free weaponry on board aircrafts would allow much quicker access to planes and eliminate the need for the invasive Xray photography of all passengers. While I don’t mind it a bit (it’s kind of exciting, actually – oh baby, oh baby!),  I do feel sorry for those TSA employees who are subjected to staring at naked people all day – regardless of…oh well…never mind.

What we really must guard against is… whining.

In this and all things.

 

 

 

[Westerly_2]

Any news on such items as mouthwash or bottled water?

[Bmichael]

Well, now I feel better…

For some time , I have been on a personal vendetta against CNN.

I wasn’t always able to articulate very well as to why  until I googled “I Hate CNN”, and there amongst the billions of  other folks with similar feelings stood one simple response:

CNN – Cable Nonsense News.

‘Nuff said.

Hello Reuters, BBC, U.S. News & World Report, New York Times,  and a host of others  (including the Onion)who continue in the time-honored tradition of reporting the news – instead of creating /modifying it…

…and goodbye to the “Headless Puppy On Crutches Inadvertently  Ends The Israeli/Palestinian Crisis While Taking A Poop ( There Was Dancing In The Streets In Haifa)” stories and who really gives a crap about how fat the governor of New Jersey is and why does it get the same coverage/importance as three women who were abducted and held prisoner for  ten years?

And finally…

Wolf – God Bless You – we’ll always remember the times when you had something relevant to say (before you became an entertainer)… and please re-grow the beard – it makes you much more ZZ Top-like. (sort of) 

Anderson –  God Bless You, too… but if you’re going to continue  to seriously furl your brow and stare triumphantly into the distant horizon on promo shots in black t-shirts, please …please… join a gym…work out…pump up, dude –get a chest!

BTW – have you ever considered growing a ponytail? Instant legitimacy …and you’ll never sleep alone.

Promise.

Goodbye CNN, you’re now listed in my “Parental Controls” block.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Bmichael]

Medea Benjamin,

Code Pink

 

Your tactics, unlike your motives, are reminiscent of Westboro Baptist Church – selfish, narrow minded, and disrespectful.

I’m afraid I won’t remember much of what you said, but will retain the clownish way that you presented it.

[Westerly_2]

Yeah ,I didn't actually hear too many words. She has a right, but maybe she should have spelled it out in an OpEd to some paper somewhere or personal blog or something you could sink your teeth into. Method was reminiscent of the "You lie" guy - made one feel sympathy with the speaker and resentful of and embarrassed for her/him. Gotta love the whole democracy carnival, though. Nothing like it. Everyone is free to make a clown of herself and not go to jail for it.

[Bmichael]

The woman is a legitimate, educated,  and highly regarded social activist with extraordinary credentials and achievements under her belt.

Why she chooses to wallow in the mire generally reserved for Republicans, is a mystery.

Perhaps she was absent on the day Tufts University covered civil discourse.

[Bmichael]

Am still a bit numb at the recent attack on the British soldier.

Not so much at the brutality of it –  Lord knows  we’ve been  fed a steady diet of horrific sights for years, especially since 911 followed by a graphic introduction  to some of the behavior  of  countries in the Middle East, Asia, and Africa…oh, and let’s don’t forget  Mexico’s drug cartels, whose meteoric rise to grisly fame is legendary.

(Taliban staff meeting, somewhere in Afghanistan – post 911)

“Crap! The Americans are coming.

Oy…we’re kabobs.

‘Fraid so…

Unless…

Unless what?

Unless we can scare them.

What do you mean, Omar? There’s only one thing that scares the Americans – and that’s losing their cable.

Maybe not, infidel. I have an idea. 60 minutes is coming next week to do a spot about us. Make sure there are plenty of buckets of hands and feet  around. And call Ahmed – tell him to bring his horse.”

And so the film crew loaded into the back of a pick up truck and allowed themselves to be “chased” by Ahmed on horseback, resplendent in his colorful native garb and immaculate white turban… grim - faced and waving a large sword at the camera.

Fear this American dogs!

And all across the US, millions of smirking Americans said “Maw…fetch me muh long rifle…we’re goin’ to Kabul. This shouldn’t take long.  Wonder whut those folks eat over there, anyway?”

OK, so that didn’t work.

Eventually, they discovered something that did scare us  – even more than losing the cable.

Decapitations.

So they started kidnapping and cutting, while CNN (Cable Nonsense News) began honing their current razor sharp journalistic skill sets (This Just In – “Survivor of Midwest Tornado Really Wishes It Didn’t Happen”) by pandering to the kidnappers’ need for publicity and actively participating in their endless succession of “countdown to doom” scenarios.

In the end, all this accomplished was to get us used to it – conspicuously I might add, about  the time “Vacuuming With The Stars” first appeared on television.

Then it was us killing us – only with guns (not swords or knives) in schools, movie theaters, grocery stores, and schools again.

Enter the Syrians on the world cruelty stage as they toss people off the roofs of buildings and cut out their body organs for snacks.

The cartels are pissed.

 “Stupido! (smack) Why didn’t we think of that? Go find Pablo –he’ll eat anything.”

 

And so CNN (Cable Nonsense News) continues its practice of:

1. First reporting a news event (which it should)…
2. Followed by an incessant over-reporting of the event over the next several days and even  weeks as they attempt to satisfy their mis-guided perception that we want to know (expletive deleted) everything about the event  by creating headlines such as “Syrian Man Who Survived Fall From Rooftop: Gosh, That Concrete Was Really Hard!” (which it shouldn’t).

 

And because CNN (Cable Nonsense News) no longer responds to my emails and comments I have been forced to back-door my way in.

I recently discovered a somewhat obscure department called The Office of How Much BS Our Viewers Will Accept, and from a library computer posed the following question:

Dear Sirs:

Exactly how much BS have you determined that your viewers will accept?

Sincerely,

Mr. Potato Stick

Within minutes, I received the following response:

 

Dear Mr. Potato Stick,

 

Thank you for your recent correspondence/question regarding the BS tolerance level of CNN viewers. As you may know, we here at CNN (Cable Nonsense News) regard this subject with the greatest importance as our crediblity as a top flight news agency often hinges on the results of our precise testing methods.

 

The following is a brief, but detailed synopsis of our methods and procedures used for the last decade to determine the BS Tolerance level of our viewers.

 

Americans, we have discovered have the characteristics of both a viscous liquid and a spring-like elastomer, traits known as a viscoelasticity. These characteristics are responsible for many of the characteristic material properties displayed by them. Under mild loading conditions, such as short-term loading with low deflection and small loads at room temperature, Americans usually react like springs, returning to their original shape after the load is removed. Under long-term heavy loads or elevated temperatures many people deform and flow similar to high viscous liquids, although still solid.

Creep is the deformation that occurs over time when a person is subjected to constant BS at constant temperature. This is the result of the viscoelastic behavior of our readers.

Stress relaxation is another viscoelastic phenomenon. It is defined as a gradual decrease in BS at constant temperature.

Recovery is the degree to which BS returns to its original shape after a load is removed.

Specific gravity is the ratio of the weight of any volume to the weight of an equal volume of some other substance taken as the standard at a stated temperature. For CNN viewers, the standard is BS.

BS Absorption  is the ratio of the weight of the BS absorbed by a material to the weight of the dry material . Many people are hygroscopic, meaning that over time they absorb BS.

Tensile strength at break is a measure of the BS required to deform a person prior to breakage. It is calculated by dividing the maximum load applied to the person before its breaking point by the original cross-sectional area of the test piece.

Tensile modulus (modulus of elasticity) is the slope of the line that represents the elastic portion of the stress-strain graph.

Elongation at break is the increase in the length of a tension specimen, usually expressed as a percentage of the original length of the specimen.

Compressive strength is the maximum compressive BS stress a person is capable of sustaining. For persons that do not fail by a shattering fracture, the value depends on the maximum allowed distortion.

Flexural strength is the strength of a person in bending expressed as the tensile stress of the outermost fibers of a bent test sample at the instant of failure.

Flexural modulus is the ratio, within the elastic limit, of BS to the corresponding strain.

Izod Impact is one of the most common ASTM tests for testing the impact strength of human beings. It gives data to compare the relative ability of people to resist brittle fracture as the service temperature decreases.

For finding hardness, Rockwell Number is the net increase in depth of impression as the load on a penetrator (!) is increased from a fixed minimum load to a high load and then returned to a minimum load.

Coefficient of thermal expansion is the change in unit length or volume resulting from a unit change in temperature. Commonly used unit is 10^-6 cm/cm/°C.

Thermal conductivity is the ability of bs to conduct heat; a physical constant for the quantity of heat that passes through a unit cube of a person in a unit of time when the difference in temperature of two faces is 1°C.

Heat Deflection temperature (HDT) test is one in which a bar of the polymer is heated uniformly in a closed chamber while a load of 66psi or 264psi is placed at the center of the horizontal bar. The HDT is the temperature at which a deflection of 0.25mm is noted at the center. The HDT indicated how much mass the object must be constructed of to maintain the desired form. It also provides a mesure of the rigidity of the polymer under a load as well as temperature.

Limiting oxygen index is a measure of the minimum oxygen level required to support combustion of the polymer.

Absorption. Most people have a potential to absorb various corrodents the come to contact with, particularly organic liquids. This can result in swelling, cracking and penetration to the substrate of the component.

Chemical Properties

Many applications require that humans retain critical properties, such as strength, toughness, or appearance, during and after exposure to natural environmental conditions. Some of the environmental effects that may damage plastic materials are as follows:

Corrosion of metallic materials takes place via an electrochemical reaction at a specific corrosion rate. However, people do not have such specific rates. They are usually completely resistant to a specific corrodent or they deteriorate rapidly.polymers are attacked either by chemical reaction or solvation. Solvation is the penetration of the polymer by a corrodent, which causes softening, swelling, and ultimate failure. Corrosion of a person can be classified in the following ways as to attack mechanism:

1. Disintegration or degradation of a physical nature due to absorption, permeation, solvent action, or other factors.

2. Oxidation, where chemical bonds are attacked

3. Hydrolysis, where ester linkages are attacked

4. Radiation

5. Thermal degradation involving depolymerization and possibly repolymerization

6. Dehydration (this is not so common)

7. Combinations of the above

 

The bottom line, appears to be that as long as CNN (Cable Nonsense News) continues its long established pattern of attempting to  broadcast reasonably accurate news and information – the majority of which should be delivered by very attractive, big haired, long legged  hotties in extremely short skirts while perched precariously on tall stools in hooker shoes thereby giving male viewers at least the hope of an accidental upskirt, we have determined that there is no actual  ceiling on the BS level that our viewers are willing to tolerate.

 

Thank you for your interest in this matter.