THe BIG BAD SPIDER

[Mark Joel Lane]

I'm afraid of spiders. REALLY.!! I've been afraid ever since I could remember. Daddy Long Legs terrify me the most.It's something about the long legs that horrify me. I even had to run out on the Rockettes at Radio City years ago. All that leg movement. I just couldn't take it. You don't blame me I hope. You would have left too.  Many years ago while dating a woman I really wanted to impress,while driving my car I had to suddenly pull off the Long Island Expressway as a small brown spider crawled on the inside window, Yes..I was terribly embarrassed as my date had to get out of the car while I jabbed at the spider with the point of an umbrella on the shoulder of the road, finally killing it and flicking it out the door. I figured this would be the last time I'd see her again. Turns out I married the bitch. We've been  married 27 years now and she's tolerated my phobia but not very sympathetic. I was on a plane once about 30.000 feet high when a long legged spider was crawling on my tray. Talk about your  "High Anxiety." I unhooked my seat belt and smacked it to arachnid  nirvana  with a newspaper  in front of my seat.

Anyway, I think my fear of spiders has diminished a bit over the years. About a month ago at work, I had an incident involving an arachnid. I work as part of a team as a merchandiser in various supermarkets moving merchandise as well as the shelves. Moving some cans of soup one day, from a bottom shelf, a humongous spider crawled onto my hand. My co-workers working near me were not aware of my phobia. I was afraid to be afraid. Did I scream and jump backwards into another zip code as I normally would? No. I poked the sucker off my hand with a screwdriver,and calmly squashed it with a paper towel. None of my work associates had a clue what an act of bravery this was for me. I had faced my fear and overcome it.

It has been several weeks now since being released from North Shore Hospital on Long Island. I don't recall fainting after squashing that spider. I was told by doctors that I was in a coma for about a week and was not given much of a chance to survive. A leading phobia specialist and therapist ,Dr. Myasshertz of Great Neck has been helping me cope with this traumatic experience.I've taken a medical leave of absence and undergoing relaxation techniques, exercise, and yoga which seems to be helping under the watchful care of Dr. Myasshertz. The Xanax and Valium he has prescribed has helped me relax and get the much needed sleep I need. I've informed my employer that I will be returning in about a week. They have assigned me to work only in the frozen aisle. There's practically no chance of encountering a spider there. However, I've been cautioned to stay away from the giant crab dinners.

[Mark Joel Lane]

I guess you probably never played with a "SLINKY" as a kid. They could get down a staircase with no legs.

[Mark Joel Lane]

Oddly enough...Tarantulas don't scare me...because they are so big and their legs not a lot longer than their bodies. It's the long legs and certain body shapes that horrify me..Brown recluse I'd fear..black widoes certainly. Snakes I've never confronted except garter snakes near our Pocono home. In the words of Will  Rogers...I never met a scorpion I didn't like yet either.