Breakups and ex's family

[Grandma Helen]

I noticed after my divorce, after 30+ years and 4 sons, that my ex's family hasn't really been very friendly to me or my sons.  Have any of you had the same thing happen?  Do you feel that it makes sense.  I thought about it and I don't know whether it's just feeling that it would be disloyalty to their brother or what.  Let's see how different families have handled these type situations. 

[Serenity]

My former son-in-law will always be my son.  His parents and I still talk. We all have grandparents. It it were a friendly divorce (it was not) my daughter would still be invited to their home. If things get better (which I hope they will) there is no reason we cannot or should not remain involved.  We are forever linked.

[Grandma Helen]

I wish I could say the same Serenity.  My oldest son, after 7 years went to see one of his aunts, just recently.  I asked him how it went and he just said that it was uncomfortable.  She's much younger than my ex, so she was a teenager when he was born.  I miss all the nieces and nephews that I knew since birth.  In all honesty, the time right around when I left my ex was a trying time for the whole family.  A kid brother was found dead about two weeks later and his mother passed away a few weeks after.  I don't know if that had anything to do with it.  Thank heavens for Facebook.  I've been able to keep up with the kids that way. 

[Serenity]

I am second generation American on one side. Perhaps that brings a stronger sense of kinship. His parents have been here longer, but have strong kinship ties as well. Last year I did Christmas day dinner with them and the grandkids. We grandparents try to work together for the benefit of the grandkids and their parents. Both the kids have hurt each other in different ways. It is early days, sort of, but we keep pressing for forgiveness and moving on. Keep the lesson learned, just let go of the misery failing to forgive brings. Life is entirely too short for this sort of behavior. I will chew either of the kids "a new one" and whack them both "upside the head" to get their attention. They are adults and it is long past time they put down the swords of war and consider the their children first as well as what they did which contributed to this mess.   Time to move on.  It will never happen, but someday I'd like to see them all (new spouses, etc.) sit down to a huge family dinner where we could all be civil, if not friendly 

[mercerquietman]

I have always gotten along great with my mother and father-in-law and they have always treated my son just fine. I've even stayed with them years after the divorce when they had a place in Florida. They're both great people. My ex avoids my parents like they were lepers. Guilty conscience I guess.

[Serenity]

I am glad to hear this, mercer.  

[dwalt]

I still keep up with my sister in law and some of his aunts.  They know what a jerk my ex is and was.  I just live too far to see them and that is ok.

[mercerquietman]

My ex remarried and it has not made any difference at all in the way I feel, total indifference.

[Eaglewoman]

My first in-laws were more like parents to me than my own.When I divorced their son we tried to still be friends, but it caused lots of trouble between them and him so I just backed off, we had no  kids. My second ones when we got divorced the MIL said she wanted nothing to do with me and the kids. The last time, I worked with my MIL and SIL and him they spread rumors around the plant about me, so have had no contact and don't want any. My son was here last year on vacation and can't figure out why we couldn't all go out to eat like one happy family. The break-up happened after he left home.

[Serenity]

My first SO really had no parents - his Mom and Dad were addicts.  He and I were together for about 6 years.  When we split up I told my folks he really needed a Mom and Dad. They were close until my folks died and I was very happy about it. I had no real issues with him - we were young and just grew up and didn't have enough to hold us together.  He named his son after my Dad.  My SO is gone now and I'm glad that we were able to share my folks and live in peace.  He was a good guy.

[mercerquietman]

Turns out this is a timely topic. Today's mail brought a card from my mother and father-in-laws updating me on what's new with them and inviting me out to see their new place. Think I'll take them out somewhere.

[Grandma Helen]

I think if my MIL and FIL were still around when I divorced things would have been much different.  My FIL had passed away 10 or so years before we divorced.  My MIL passed away about 6 or 7 weeks afterward.  My younger BIL passed away about 2 weeks after I left my ex.  I did go to both funerals with my oldest son.  Part of the problem I think is my ex doesn't see fit to have anything to do with my sons or our grandchildren.  Very difficult man.  It bothers me for my children. 

[Serenity]

I have the same problem with my ex.  When he left me he left the family - it was extremely hard on the grandkids. In fact, he left his entire family - his sister died without ever seeing him again.  Very selfish of him, IMO.