TwitBook

[Bmichael]

...The Ranch's answer to you -know - what - with no rules.

Go ahead...tell us what you're having for dinner - we can't wait! Got a cute pic of kitty peeking out of a paper bag? Post it! We live for that stuff!

Math addict? How about a refresher on the Pythagorean Theorem?

Like macaroni and cheese? Tell us why!

So even if you're not a writer or a poet (yet), there's still plenty of fun things to do at the Armadillo!

Oh baby, oh baby!

[Bmichael]

!!!!!...!

[Westerly_2]

She's a miracle.

[Carol T]

Indeed -- she came back home Saturday.  Her caregiver said it was just time for her annual tune-up.  The doctor said she was in remarkably good health for a woman her age.  She'll probably outlive me.

[Marilyn]

Wow, Carol ... good luck with your mom. Mine is "only" 96 and has finally agreed (had to be her idea, natch) to get a walker. Of course she ignored all my research on the need to be trained using the thing, and ordered it last week. The result? "I don't like it. I think I'll look at Walgreen's and see if they have one that's nicer."

Indeed.

[Carol T]

We went to my mother's house for Thanksgiving.  We left word that we would be there at 4 PM, at which time we would fetch dinner.  We arrived at 3:30 to find mother already in bed with the afternoon sun streaming through the window.  We went upstairs to get my brother, and my husband stayed with them to make sure she wouldn't forget we had come and go back to bed.  When I came back with dinner, she announced that it was too late to eat, and went back to bed.  We had to bring Chris down again to give him his dinner, and had to hide the fact that he was eating at the ungodly hour of 4:30 pm.

This morning Mother asked for help out of her chair, giving specific instructions, which were wrong (elbow for armpit). She yelled at me for not reading her mind.  I hoisted as best I could.  When she had finally achieved lift-off, she said, "Well, I guess not-very-good help is better than no help at all." 

[Westerly_2]

Faint praise is better than no praise at all? Maybe not.

[Carol T]

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but the fact is she's never liked me much, and now she is no longer capable of disguising that.

[Bmichael]

I think that the parallels between my mother (who passed away a year and a half ago) and your mothers, is very interesting.

At first, I believed my mother’s occasionally bizarre behavior and attitudes were a result of a lifelong affliction of mental illness – compounded by old age. As a result I also thought that they were specific to her, alone.

But  when I read the anecdotes about your moms, I realize that there is a similar strain between them.

Not long ago, I found myself in the emergency room at the hospital. I was in a large room partitioned by curtains where I was staged waiting for the diagnosis.

In the “room” next to mine I heard two voices – and elderly woman and a younger one – obviously mother/daughter. As I listened to their conversation the daughter was getting exasperated with her mother, and I couldn’t figure out why. The mother was asking simple questions and making simple comments, yet the daughter was almost combative over every remark.

In fact, one time I coughed – just to let her know I was nearby.

As we waited, the daughter’s voice and patience rose and fell like a roller coaster. It didn’t take long before I realized that I was hearing a lot of myself in her and comparing my relationship with my mother to theirs.

My mother had that “15 minute” personality – the one where she was sweet, warm and friendly, and very normal – something she summoned up whenever necessary or when she felt threatened. But after 16 minutes she went back to her natural state as Bride of Godzilla.

It didn’t matter that I appeared at her house every week for 12 years after her husband died – bringing groceries, fixing things, trying to spend some quality time with someone who rarely, if ever, said thank you…and never said I Love You to a son who drove 100 miles one way to provide this support, while the other son (who lived 5 miles away) rarely visted or called, and sent chocolates on Christmas.

Instead, I got “These bananas are terrible. Thanks!”…and would walk out of the room.

She once hid her jewelry and forgot where she put it and called the police and accused me of taking it. Years later, when her freezer quit running, we found the jewelry behind it. When I brought it up, she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about.

Another time I hired a plumber to fix some pipes at her house. A few days later, I received an upsetting call from the man who was on the verge of losing his job because she called the company and said one of her bread knives was missing. I found it in the back yard (?) and called the company to speak with the owner.

Another time I was confronted by one of her neighbors as to how often I shopped for her. It seems like she was telling folks that I came by every few weeks and she was having a hard time getting by. That was a beauty.

And when she learned the term “elderly abuse” from the radio that quickly morphed into “if you don’t do what I want – I’ll report you as an abuser.”

As I watched her over the years, it appeared that the end of life ultimately becomes a dismissal of that life. That we hang on purely out of survival instinct, and unless there’s an illness or accident, we continue until one day we tire of it and turn it off. I believe that’s what she did – simply turned it off.

And if you don’t care about your own life, how can you care about others? It may be that we revert back to infancy in a way where everything is about me.

I worked in an assisted care facility and used to see similar behavior in many of the residents. You could park them in front of TV’s, take them on shopping and field trips, bring in the petting zoos, and provide wonderful food and care – these things are only temporary diversions against reality.

When I look back, I’m ok. I did what I should and could – regardless of everything. (BTW – the incidents I spoke of were only the tip of the iceberg, lol)

This may sound a bit cold, but I regarded her passing with a sense of relief – not only for my benefit, but especially for her.

A similar, unhappy situation is occurring with my father. I have chosen limited participation this time and have turned the responsibility over to my younger brother – payback for mom.

Man, is he pissed!

Unfortunately, I have no children left to torture in my old age, nor anyone to drive hundreds of miles to bring the Blue Lady’s beer (guess I’ll have to start making it).

That, along with a vivid imagination, a big dog, a few handguns, and a very long pony tail should set the stage for an interesting decade or two.

 

[Carol T]

Yes, Bmichael, you have mentioned your trials with your mother in other threads in this group, and I applaud you for your candor.

On the one hand, that stubbornness and orneriness are what's kept her alive for so long.  On the other hand, she's 100.  She can't see, can't hear well, and can't remember anything long enough to carry on a real conversation.  The quality of her life is not very good, and yet she still clings to it.  It's her life and her prerogative to do so, of course.  My chief complaint is that her hanging on negatively affects my brother's quality of life.

[Carol T]

Many years ago I read "After Many a Summer Dies the Swan," a novella by Aldous Huxley.  I will not give the plot away, except to say that all this talk about the end of life /old age reminded me of it.

[Marilyn]

WOW, have been off the thread for a few days, but found it all verrrrrry interesting. The parallels with my mother are there --- including the on-again-off-again sweetness and light combined with nastiness. But she's always been like that, and old age ain't helpin'. Thanks to you all for making me realize that my brother and I are not alone in this. The major factor in my favor is that she decided a few years ago to move near him in Texas (from Florida) because "it's too cold in Pennsylvania." Yay?

The funniest thing was, she was so very independent her whole life that we were all shocked when she moved into a senior independent living complex and promptly took a "now take care of me" approach. We dread the coming years. She is 96, failing rapidly, and shows no signs of passing away anytime soon.

And so it goes ...

[Westerly_2]

Can anyone tell me if the Heimlich maneuver really works? I tried it today for the first time, and it didn’t do much.  My son came over for lunch, and a piece of hot dog got stuck on the way down. He coughed up a good chunk, but the rest stayed stuck. I tried doing the Heimlich, which I know of theoretically, but son is pretty tall, and I am not so strong, and getting out of press with each press in. The rest of the chunk never came up. Fortunately, it slid down in due time and he was ok.

            Did the Heimlich work for any of you? Do you have to be young, strong and tall? Can anybody do it?