You're killing me Smalls.....

[Jaylee53]

This is completely just for laughs.... Do NOT think of posting anything serious or thought provoking here...EVER!

 

http://youtu.be/nGeKSiCQkPw

 

 

 

I mean it...... :-)

[Aggie]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

She replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[CWO3ROBBIE]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful then a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong:
A year or so after giving birth a women will often say "It would be nice to have another kid."
You never hear a guy say " I'd like to have another kick in the nuts."
Case closed.

[TeeBubbaDee]

[Aggie]

[Bob Stepp]

Recently a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, for fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day Lawrence was charged with lewd lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop."You know a pumpkin is all soft and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles, or least I thought there wasn't", he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he thought was appropriate for his use, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it," he said obviously embarrassed by the situation.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car, and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusal situation for sure," said officer Taylor.  "I just walked up to Mr. Lawrence and there he was banging away on this pumpkin." she went on.

I said, "Sir, do you realize you're having sex with a pumkin?"

He froze, clearly surprised I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin???  Shit.....is it midnight already?"

Is that not the best come back line ever???

[Aggie]

Good one!

 

[TeeBubbaDee]

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[Bob Stepp]

[Jaylee53]

I still feel this way 'bout most things.    :-)

[Aggie]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.” The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

[Bob Stepp]

[TeeBubbaDee]