On May 30th of this year, my 54 year old brother died suddenly of a stroke. It's been five months to the day since he passed. When I think of him, I still get choked up. I'm not one to remember my dreams, but I've had three dreams about him since he left us. The first dream was very comforting. We were in a living room talking with lots of other people around, and he seemed well. My grandmother, also deceased, was there too, although she did not speak in the dream. I woke up feeling like Steve was okay. The second dream I do not remember the details of, other than to say Steve was gone and it was upsetting. Last night, I dreamt that he had gone down in a plane into the water. My mother and I waded into the water to try and find him with the hope of rescuing him, and then his body floated by face down. This was not comforting, but there's probably some meaning behind the dream. I was the one who told my mother about Steve's death back in May, a task I obviously hated doing. In the dream, I saw Steve's body first and had to turn around and tell Mom. It was heartbreaking in the dream just like it was in real life.
I miss Steve and the reality of never seeing the person that I shared my childhood with is still sinking in. So many memories only he and I had. I can never share these with him again. He was my older brother and I looked up to him. He taught me so much. But he is gone now. And the circle of life seems much more real to me. My family was small growing up, just the four of us. Mom and my stepdad are still alive and live nearby and I am blessed to have them. But I know that the circle of life keeps moving.
Death forces you to confront the hard realities of life. There are no do-overs and death is the one certainty in life. Yes, I know, make the most of your life. Yes, I know, celebrate the life of the one that's departed. I get that, but let's face it, there are days you just miss them. And that's okay. That is also just a part of life.