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I don't know if any of you are familiar with Richard Lederer's series Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language. It is hysterical. A college professor introduced it to our class on the last day. We were all rolling on the floor laughing our arse out.

If you have any of your own to share, please do so.

example
...curiously phrased explanations on car accident reports

* "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

* "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

* "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

* "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

* "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

* "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

* "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

* "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

* "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

* "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

* "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

* "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

* "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

* "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

Insurance Form Anecdotes:
* In France, not very long ago, the forms used for notifying insurers of accident, illness, or pregnancy were based on the same mold. Consequently, expectant mothers were asked, "Was the accident caused by some third party?" Invariably, the answer was, "No, only by my husband."

Tags: humor, language

Views: 18

Replies to This Discussion

lol @ pilot humor........maybe it's just my time of the month, but I see a lot of sexual innuendoes in some of the lines. "land very rough" "loose in cockpit" "Friction locks" "handles funny" "straighten up, fly right, and be serious" "radar hums." "coming from under" "midget pounding"

Charades said:
Not sure, but I kind of think this fits in this discussion. It's a classic, with plenty of wit and humor:

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
And from the medical profession :

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
wee soozy said:
And from the medical profession



lol Thanks for the hearty chuckle. I'm saving your list. Now here are a few from the teaching profession:



collections of actual analogies and
metaphors found in high school essays.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli,
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

4. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

5. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.

6. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a
fire hydrant.

The classroom bring many examples of the student's confusion with the details of their mother tongue: "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

excuse notes from parents: "Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."



More curiously turned explanations....
definitions written by children in their school tests.

Molecule: A molecule is so small that it can't be seen by the naked observer
Marriage: A bond between two people to make their children literate .
Opera is a song of a bigly size.
Migration is a headache that birds get when they fly south for the winter
Octopus is an eye doctor.


Funny Definitions

acquaintance - someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to

bathroom - 1 the only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing 2 [female-specific, Par.] room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning

bore - 1 someone who persists in holding his own views after you have enlightened him with yours 2 a person who talks when you wish him to listen 3 he who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself 4 someone who is going places, and the sooner the better 5 a guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other 6 a person who has nothing to say and says it 7 one who, upon being asked how they are, tells you 8 a guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary

diplomacy - 1 the art of letting someone else get your way 2 lying in state 3 saying, "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock 4 saying, "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip 5 the nastiest thing in the nicest way 6 the patriotic art of lying for one's country

diplomat - 1 someone who has the same enemies as you 2 a government official who appeases high-ranking members of third world countries with free parking and a ten cent discount on US oil products 3 a man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat; cf. "salesman"

experience - 1 perils of wisdom 2 what causes one to think twice before saying nothing 3 a name everyone gives to his mistakes 4 what you get when you don't get what you want 5 the wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced 6 [Emp.] something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it

psychiatrist - [Med.] 1 person who'll listen to you as long as you don't make sense 2 a person who doesn't have to worry as long as other people do 3 a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free


http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html

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