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Laughter is the best medicine
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I Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit. ~Author Unknown
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Banana split please 1 Reply
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly,…Continue
Started by Jozee. Last reply by PartTimeBrewer May 18, 2021.
Old Father 5 Replies
DEFINE EMBARRASSMENT:You take your 96 year old father who you're taking care of in his senior years to yet another doctors appointment.Your first thoughts are, with this pandemic going on, I'm…Continue
Started by Grandma Helen. Last reply by Jozee Apr 24, 2021.
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Comment by metub4 on February 28, 2010 at 8:03am
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One day, while going to the store, I passed by an assisted living facility.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a touch unusual, but continued on my
way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same assisted living
facility with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity and perhaps a bit of
concern got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to
the Assisted Living Facility Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your
front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes. They're
having a yard sale.'
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Comment by codger price on February 26, 2010 at 6:11pm
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June
and Marge are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. June pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Marge: What in the hell is that?
June: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Marge: Where did you get it?
June: You can get them at any pharmacy..
The next day, Marge hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a
Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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that's a rough one
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Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
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If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Comment by Sedona7 on February 23, 2010 at 6:11pm
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These two rednecks were going to a local gas station to get gas and saw a sign in the station saying "FREE SEX WITH EACH FILL UP"
They immediately pulled into the gas station and told the attendant to 'fill her up.' They went into the office and inquired about the 'free sex'
"Well," the manager said, "the rules are you have to guess a number from 1 to 10. If you guess the number, you get free sex.
"What number would you like to guess at?"
Well they talked it over and said six.
The manager said; "I'm sorry, the number is 7, better luck next time."
Of course they told their family and friends about the free sex at the gas station. So they have been buying gas for a couple of weeks and keep going in to try to win the free sex.
They drive in again and fill up their truck. After the fill up they go in to guess another number. "We pick 8 this time": they told the manager.
"I'm sorry boys, the number was 9." By this time they are getting a little frustrated and as they are driving away they start questioning if this is just a trick to get them to buy gas. But the driver says:
"No, I know it's legitimate, my wife won twice last week."
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One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing
on except his boots. The Sheriff asks, "Billy Bob, what the hell are
you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy Bob replies, 'Well Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the
farm and we started a-cuddlin." Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissing and a-cuddlin" and things got pretty hot and heavy.
Well then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said
that I should do the same. "Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots.
"Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said "Okay Billy Bob, let's go to town"
"I guess I'm the first one here."
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Comment by Rishi on February 20, 2010 at 9:55am
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A Limerick:
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee."
"Let us fly," said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
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Comment by Belle Starr on February 20, 2010 at 8:57am
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Harvard Graduates
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."
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