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TBD on Ning

Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

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If youve ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, How much money do you make a week?
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, I make $400 a week. Why?
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, Heres four weeks pay now GET OUT and dont come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?

From across the room came a voice, Pizza delivery guy from Dominos.

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I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control,
and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong?'
He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.

'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said,
'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
Car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's
expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as
to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church,
and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew,
a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail
voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Amen !
Murphy's Dozen Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, some asshole would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

10. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

12. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
Great story! and Oh SO TRUE!!!
A bad Cat Day
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Swine-flu

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Jesus' sister Teresa... well done. Religion needs to lighten up !
She was making a breakfast of fried eggs....

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Apparently this is what you miss if you don't go to church...
If it keeps being black wait until it has loaded then play again
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St Patrik's Thanks-giving:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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