TBD on Ning
DRUNK JOKES
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.' . .
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.' . .
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by metub4 on
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Why you never question a drunk....
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly" -
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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico
City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the
bottle comes a Genie. The
Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says, 'Hello Master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you
want.'
The Mexican begins thinking, 'Well, I really like
drinking tequila.'
Finally the Mexican says, 'I wish to drink tequila
whenever I want, so
make me pee
tequila.'
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of
the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's
clear...looks like tequila. Then
smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he
takes a taste, and it is the
best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, 'Consuelo,
Consuelo, come quickly!'
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexi can
takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to
drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is
reluctant but goes ahead and takes a
sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and
partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work
and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds
to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same. The tequila is excellent,
and the couple drinks
until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes
home from work and
tells his wife, ' Consuelo, grab one glass from
the cupboard and we will
drink Tequila.'
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets
it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he
fills it, his wife
asks him, 'But Pancho, why do we need only one
glass?'
Pancho raises the glass and says, 'BECAUSE
TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK
FROM THE BOTTLE.'
ARRIBA!!!!!!! -
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As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. -
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Permalink Reply by Carl R Lindstrom on
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Love this one :-)
Brass Gong
> After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
> "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
> "It's not a gong! It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
> "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
> "Yup," replied the drunk.
> "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
> "Watch," the drunk replied.
> He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
> The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
> Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!" -
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Lil Vinnie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen...
She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small
flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy Troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.
"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!" -
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