Existential question...

[crestofwaves]

I've been in limbo til now because of my husband's illness. All the things we used to do together, he can't do anymore.  Hiking, dancing, exploring places for hours, good sex...  I know he feels HORRIBLE about this, and he tells me he feels worse because of how it affects me. So far, I haven't done much without him because I know he feels so bad. His illness is in no way fatal--just life altering.

  I know I can't have sex with anyone else, and there is no one that I would care to or who is capable anymore. 

But, My question, how much can I do? Can I leave him behind and join a hiking group? Can I travel without him? Last night I mentioned taking a trip to Florida to see relatives on the east and west coast. I mentioned taking my sister and saw a look of pain flash across his face.  He used to be so happy that he could make me happy.  What would you do?  Stay in one place--for the rest of your life--or do some moving around  knowing that he will feel left out? I feel happiest when I am moving, fast, and seeing and learning and experiencing.

What would you do?

 

 

 

[Wayne Goodwin]

When you said you would like to visit friends . I believe that scared him . He also may feel he may loose you . It would make me feel that way  . For your sake you need to get out some . You need freedom for yourself .

[crestofwaves]

I would love to hear what the men have to say. Thank you Pat and Wayne, for responding. 

 

I need the male perspective here. How would you feel in this situation?  How can I make it better for him? I know how I can make it better for me, but what do I do about him?

[Wayne Goodwin]

Well Joanna . When you would like to do something away from house (SEX or Not) . Just get some ladies he is accustomed too and they could keep him amused till yaa get back .

 When I was married , the old lady wanted to play bingo parlor a lot. . Lord knows where she really went . I got used to it . Maybe he would also ...

[uno,dos,3]

I would say the same as Chief stated above. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF....by taking care of yourself you will be more able to have the energy to assist him. It will do neither of you any good if you become totally emeshed in his life at the cost of your own well being. 

In addition you are keeping your vows of 'for better or worse', you are there for him.......that is something many spouses don't do....this is tough for both of you. A male who feels that he has become ineffectual has to deal with a lot of mental issues along with the physical trials that he must deal with everyday. Many of us want to be a tower of strength, we don't want to need a caregiver, and a lot of our 'maleness' is often within the role of 'protector'.

My best wishes go out to both of you.

[crestofwaves]

Thanks. I'm getting the male perspective, and it's kind of what I was thinking as well. That whole "Ineffectual male" thing weighs heavily on him. 

[ProblemAgain]

it's a conundrum but it is solvable.....you do need time away or you will begin thinking of him as the sick one instead of your husband. that leads to a lesser and less fulfilling and emotionally intimate relationship which leads you to end up with caregiver's burnout. so perhaps start with short periods of time away but include him by taking video and pictures (ain't technology grand? most of the new cellphones have video capability) that way it alleviates him possibly feeling left behind. and i am sure he knows you so in his heart and mind he knows you and he are safe but remember men have a lizardbrain deep in there somewhere and the inclusion of him by sharing the video and pictures will be a simple way to sooth the reptile before it gets up.

[uno,dos,3]

Another thought.....you must not let him think that your time away from him is your time to relax and have fun....it is merely things that you like to do that he can no longer do....keep him aware of the special times you have together....and make sure that those special times together happen often...whether those times are cuddling while watching a movie....or just sharing an intimate dinner at home.......and of course do as most wives do...stroke his ego whenever possible.

[frenchy]

its a tough one cresty cause deep in his heart he wants to hear that you don't wanna be anywhere but with him .. but thats not reality . you know it and so does he .. the tricky part is gettin him to accept it .. i'm sure that there's a lot goin thru his head right now and a big part of it is depressin him .. yet he won't say it out loud .. have you and him discussed some kinda councilin cresty .. i can't guarantee it will cure him but it may give him the tools to cope with his illness.. he still won't like it but he may deal better .. this is the kinda thing that can sometimes make the caregivin spouse leave cause the invalid spouse gets bitter .. i'm not sayin that will happen here but most people don't think that at first either tho .. its a gradual thing and illness steals your dignity by nickels and dimes .. not usually all at once .. copin along the way is the key and its not easy so professional help can't hurt .. might make it easier for both of you to see the others feelins and understand better .. thats all i got .. so far .. i'll have to think a bit more on it .. 

[crestofwaves]

Thank you all so much!  Excellent advice and insights.

 

Today, I go bowling. It's something he and I did on leagues, but he can't anymore.  I still bowl with former teachers. So, I am starting to travel alone into areas that we shared. It's a beginning. Well, actually, I've been doing it for years, but now, it feels different.

I've got to get over the feeling that I'm abandoning him--but actually he is abandoning me in a way--pulling into himself. 

Everybody has a some kind of cross...At least I'm still healthy, so I can't complain all that much.

 

[crestofwaves]

Today I went bowling with colleagues.  It was fun and I did well--I had higher scores than both men I bowl with.  My husband can't bowl anymore--we used to belong to a couples league for years. Anyway, keeping in mind your advice, when I told him how I did, I said he was right there with me because I kept repeating things he used to say:  Be one with the ball. Don't jerk it.  Move two boards over. Get low.  I swear, I saw him perk up a bit!

I am going to go go go but somehow make him part of it.  That's probably the bet advice I gleaned from all you have said!  Thanks.

[ProblemAgain]

have fun and remember...keep things clean

[Wayne Goodwin]

What ta heck the man in picture doing cleaning his balls ?