51 birch street .. has anyone seen this ??

[frenchy]

this is a documentary that i saw on pbs the other day and its stuck with me .. the basic premise was a son who was a wedding videographer had a mom who had died suddenly and his dad three months later decided to move to florida . and remarry .. and it turned out to be his secretary from years and years ago .. so at first it was supposed to be just somethin for the family but as he got into it he saw that there was a lot more to it .. they found some journals that his mom had been writin all those years .. about 30 years worth and in it she talks about havin an affair and bein in love with another man .. all this led to the guy wonderin how well do we really know our parents ?? about a year or so ago i saw the pbs documentary about an american family .. the louds from santa barbara and at first i thought this is gonna be so dull .. but after watchin it for about 20 minutes i was hooked .. and had to see it all .. it was the very first reality tv .. but it wasn't staged like what they do now .. they just let the cameras run and edited it down to 12 hours .. this 51 birch street is a lot like that in that it was real and honest .. and you could relate to what they guy was feelin .. i know my mom was a very secretive person and if i ever found a diary she wrote and shared it with anyone i think she'd be horrified .. but there's a point in the film where he asks his moms best friend who probably knew more about her than just about anyone how he thought she would feel and her friend said after careful consideration i think she would want it to be shared.. she wanted to be known and understood.. now keep in mind that this a a lady that would be our moms ages cause the guy who did the documentary is about 60 years old so times back then were different .. divorce wasn't as easy or as common .. so this lady was not gonna be the stepford wife .. even tho she wasn't bella abzug either she wasn't your regular garden variety 50's and 60's housewife .. she talks about pokin smot and hangin out .. she just wanted a bigger life .. so i guess the question i'm tryin to ask is this .. how well do you really know your parents ? i mean really ?? if you found out later on that your mom or dad had affairs or were pokin smot and tryin to expand their consciousnesses .. or maybe goin to a key party ? ( key parties were somethin that some grownups tried in the early 70's where they would put their house keys in a fishbowl and whoever's keys the lady picked out was who she'd go home with that night .. see the movie the ice storm with kevin kline and sigourney weaver ) anyway this is gettin kinda long .. lookin back i know there's a lot about my mom that i'll never know .. how about you ??     

[Lifesighs]

In my case I do know and it wasn't a good thing. Lots of stories were told to us while we were growing up about my mother. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. My mother took off when we were young we reconnected when I was a teen but it was never a good relationship.

[Mickchick]

Hadn't seen it or heard of it, but it sounds absolutely fascinating, Frenchy.  I'll have to see if I can get it on my DVR.

As far as knowing things about my family - my mother has always been pretty open about her life and about my father's.  I found out when I was about 13 that they had been separated for awhile before he died (when I was 4), and that after he died my mother got sued for furniture and a lease that another woman had purchased as my father's "wife".  Apparently, while they were separated, he had set up housekeeping with another woman while he was stationed in Virginia Beach while in the Navy.  My parents worked things out, he returned home and died less than a year later in a car accident in Missouri.  The unsolved mystery around his death is that he was headed in a direction that was nowhere near the route he should have been taking... My mom's take was that he was dead and she wasn't going to speculate, she was just going to remember the good times... 

[dwalt]

Geez, I could write a book about  my mom and dad.  It wouldn't be pretty, but it would be a best seller!!

[Karin M Fichtner]

My dad was pretty much an open book. Mom, however, had dark corners in her life. I believe she had been the victim of a child molester.....quite possibly her father, who I never knew. She displayed all the classic symptoms. Also, I believe she was what is now referred to as Bi-Polar. She managed to keep a lot of her emotional turmoil from my dad. I think he just loved her so much, he chose not to look too closely. I do know he thought of her as "emotionally fragile" and "high-strung". I don't believe either had any affairs; both had deeply religious convictions that they lived by. And my mom didn't trust any men but my dad. There was a big blow-up that almost ended their marriage that I walked in on when I was in Jr. High. I never knew what that was all about; I just know my dad was crying and packing a bag. I was hysterical, and begging my dad to stay. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I can't take any more!". Because of my anguish and Mom's pleading, he agreed to go with her to the pastor of our church. They made an appt. They went to a couple of meetings. They were quiet for a few weeks, but eventually things went back to normal. I wish I knew the cause of that blow-up. Since they have both passed, I never will.

[Karin M Fichtner]

As a post script......I haven't seen this show, but I remember watching The Louds back in the 70s.

[crestofwaves]

My parents were very lovely and lively, had lots of friends, travelled all over the place spending our inheritance, as my father used to laughingly point out ( and they DID), and lived to their 90s.  They were very good people, dedicated to family. I hope they had some secrets along the way that only they knew.  We are all entitled.

One thing I did find out, which surprised me.  My mother stopped cooking after my father died, and she was known far and wide as someone who could throw together the most delicious meal on the spot.  I asked her why she stopped.  She said she always HATED cooking and only did it for my father and the family, and now, she was DONE.  My whole childhood was a lie.  I thought she loved it.

 

[ProblemAgain]

sort of similar to the premise of 'The Bridges of Madison County'. After the woman dies, her children learn that she was more than just the loving mother and dutiful wife, that she had an inner self that no one ever saw except that traveling photographer. and maybe, just maybe, no one ever saw it because they weren't looking...

  most people are more than anyone knows and different than the way they are perceived. and sometimes that can be because the person works at being an image or because the person rarely allows who they are to come to the surface.. it can also be because it is just so unexpected that people don't look for it....kinda like the teacher who is really a bikerbabe under that conservative persona....or the accountant who is really really a singing, tapdancing fool...

 

[frenchy]

well said almond .. we just never know .. unless we're really payin attention .. and the thing is as kids we really don't know all the signs to look for ..its the old adage , well my parents had 4 kids so that means they had sex 4 times .. we're pretty clueless as to the real persons they were under their suits of armor .. they would try so hard to shield us from all that kinda stuff cause they thought we weren't ready to know about it .. there's time enough for us to find out about life on our own ..no need for them to burden us with their personal problems .. my mom and dad split when i was 8 years old in 1960 .. from that point on i never saw my mom with another man .. but she was a workin girl and even tho she worked a 35 hour week she would frequently come home at 9 , 10, and even 11 oclock .. i'm sure there were some secrets there but my mom was really really good at keepin em all .. i think my dad would have talked more but he got alzheimers so he couldn't cause he didn't really remember .. but i'm sure there was a lot he didn't know about my mom after they split anyway .. they never spoke to each other .. and they worked at the same place ..  

[ProblemAgain]

and as we get older, some stuff seems to fall into place as we look back....some of those aaah moments when we see the picture more clearly. it's always hard to see your folks for who they are. i look back on my folks and, while they had happy times, they also had some miserable stretches in their marriage. if they found comfort in other people, how could i even think of begrudging them that? life is too short when you're happy and much too long when you are miserable. eat dessert first, laugh and sing when you can (even if other people wince)...and be kind to others. they just look like their life is better than yours; they're really dealing with a lot of the same shit..so if your folks had friends? good for them...

oh a related note...i was visiting some relatives out in the midwest in a tiny little town of 380 people back in the 70s. this was the big town for the whole county...the big big town in that part of the state was 70 miles down the road....and there were 3 tv stations...carrying farm reports, heehaw and grand ole opry...the height of fashion for women was the big hair and the polyester pants suits...the men trended more (when they dressed up) to those polyester sports coats that looked like they were made from couch upholstery cloth....anyway my uncle and i were driving out to the ranch and he looked over and told me "you know there's even a wifeswapping club in town"...and i looked at him and, without thinking, asked "WHY?"

[frenchy]

i feel the same way almond .. judge not least ye shall be judged .. but we have to remember it was a different time back then .. women were ladies and did as the men folk said .. he made the money and held the purse strings .. divorce was a rare thing .. you just grinned and beared it .. or was that grinned and bared it .. either way . everything was much more hush hush .. what will the neighbors think .. so they kept up the charade .. made sure the facade was painted regularly .. and did everything all cloak and dagger like .. clandestine was the word of the time .. i hope my mom did find some comfort somewhere even if she would be horrified if i ever knew .. thing is i wouldn't be .. i'd love her just the same .. just as all of us should .. whatever our parents did shouldn't have changed the way they loved us or us them .. in a way it must have been even harder to live that double life .. to want to be somewhere else but to stay where you are anyway .. it just makes me wonder tho .. how much don't i know about her ?? 

[frenchy]

and as far as madison county goes how many women have watched that movie and as she's sittin at the light in the rain have cried out .. GET OUT .. GET OUT .. GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE ..  and then the light changes and he drives off and she lets go of the handle .. and you cry .. because you know that was her last chance and now she's stuck ..    

[Karin M Fichtner]

Me!  Me!  oh, yes, Me!!  I could really relate to that.  I never had a man I wanted to leave my husband for, but I was hanging in there only because of the kids, and I had enormous stress and fear for years.....what to do.....how to manage on my own.  I wasted a lot of years being miserable.  I'll never have those years back.