The following is typical Texas Humor.
for some reason, I can not get things to post here. The humor is in the first comment.
The Ranch Hand and the Widow
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However one o'clock came and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace
with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my stockings."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
Sort of brings a tear to your eye now don't it!
Good Friends make the roughest trails easy to ride!
~ Vaya con Dios ~
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted $10 and asked, If I give you this, will you buy hay with it instead of dinner?
No, I had to sell my horses years ago, the homeless woman replied.
Will you spend this on tack instead of food, the woman asked.
Are you NUTS, replied homeless woman. I haven't bought tack in 20 years!
Well, said the woman, I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm taking you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my husband.
The homeless woman was astounded. Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that?
The woman replied, That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up horses.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras.
She asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv to little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fer me up in the room."
Sometimes cowboys referred to beans as “Deceitful Beans” because they talked behind your back.
An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he Wanted Too!!!!
A lady in the grocery asked me why some eggs white and some brown...I told her the brown one is whole wheat.