Christmas isn't exactly her happiest season is it?
No, it isn't for alot of people. I have a girlfriend that lives in Austin, Texas and she is taking it pretty bad this year.
I have had a lot of bad Chistmas year, keeping open mind about this one.
As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .
Oh, and by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
I still pick up a coins in the parking lot.
Where the hell is the water coming from that has saturated the carpet and padding in the spare bedroom???? It seems to be coming up through the concrete. It hasn't rained for over a week, and there doesn't appear to be any water outside. The room shares a wall with the garage where the washer is, but there is no sign of water in the garage. The room also shares a wall with a bathroom, but no signs of water there either. I can only conclude that a fresh water spring has developed under the concrete, or that there is a busted water pipe under the concrete. Neither is something I want to contemplate.
maybe there a secrect pond under there with the ducks.
Rant: I am hungry and I don't want to go shopping.
Rave: I like my new hat.
Regardless, it sounds expensive. Sorry....Merry Christmas :-)
I was kidding about the fresh water spring, I'm pretty sure there is a water line leak under the concrete pad.
We had one of those a couple of years ago. For us, at least, the fix wasn't too bad. They DIDN'T have to jackhammer up the basement floor, as was first suggested, and instead simply cut the water line back by the first exposed area and sweated in a new route for the new plumbing. The worst part was having to put up new drywall in a spot where the new route had to be laid in to a junction that was behind a wall.
Rave: There were a couple of CD's that I'd kept forgetting to buy in the last couple of months. Last week I came within an eyelash of buying them, and instead decided to suggest one or the other to someone else who was stumped for what to get me for xmas. Today, the record label very kindly sent me promo copys of BOTH CD's,totally out of the blue, so now I have to think of something else for the stumpee to pick up. I should be so unlucky.
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