Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole

[EddieDingo]

These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"

"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied.  "Plus six cents for the tax."

"Oh," said the blonde.  "I wondered how they kept them on."

[Aggie]

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced: "You and Mom look, great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!

[Aggie]

TEXAS CAUTION:
In regard to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...
Before you come to Texas to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, around the rural and well, All of TEXAS There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing in our river bottoms, hill country, mountains or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
On the Texas Coast, Bull Sharks are bigger than Jaws & way more aggressive. The Beaches are overrun with Portuguese Man of War Jelly Fish & the Sting Rays are as big as a Volkswagen Beetle.
Our lakes are full of gators, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.
Texas Mountain Lions have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.
Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.
The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the localocal.

[Aggie]

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.

He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest. The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is!
He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert!

He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,

"I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record," he says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is," says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

"You've got it on the bee-side"

[Aggie]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got up real early one morning to go fishing at the lake near their house. When they get there, still in the dark, they remember that the best fishing spot is across the lake, but they didn't bring their pirogue with them. They are trying to figure out how to get across to the other side, when Boudreaux has a brain storm.
"I tell you what Thib. I'll shine my flashlight on the water and you walk across on da beam of light."
Thibodeaux tells him "Mais, you must tink I'm stoopid or sumting! I know you before today, yeah me. Jus' when I get halfway across, I know you gonna turn off da light."

[Aggie]

I am posting this with a heavy heart.
I love cows and everything that comes with it... but I am officially done in 2025. This is taking up too much of my time. I’m struggling to keep up with the everyday chores of cooking, cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I have decided to get rid of all my gear.
Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding...
1. Vacuum cleaner
2. Dustpan and broom
3. Mop and bucket
4. Lawn Mower
5. Leaf blower
6. Laundry detergent
7. Iron
8. Stove
9. washer dryer
Anything helps for more cow supplies.

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

[Aggie]

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
10. I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.
15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

[Aggie]