Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole

[EddieDingo]

These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"

"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied.  "Plus six cents for the tax."

"Oh," said the blonde.  "I wondered how they kept them on."

[Aggie]

Little Boudreaux Jr. was driving the tractor across a field pulling a wagon loaded down with sugarcane, when one of the wagon's wheels hit a rut and overturned. Thibodeaux heard the noise from inside his house and went out and hollered at Little Boudreaux, "Hey, come on inside and have lunch wit us, and we'll help you take care of dat wagon after we eat."
Little Boudreaux, told him, "Well, dat's awful nice of you Uncle Thib, but I don't tink my Papa would want me to do dat right now."
Thibodeaux told him, "Aw come on in. Your Papa won't even know."
Tee-Boudreaux replied, "Mais OK, but I still tink Papa is gonna be real mad."
After lunch, Tee-Boudreaux said his thanks, and added, "Mais, dat sure was good Uncle, but I know my Papa is gonna be very very mad by now."
Thibodeaux says, "Why should he be mad? Where is your Papa anyway cher?"
Tee-Boudreaux tells him, "He's under da wagon!"

[Aggie]

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun," so he decided to give Boudreaux a test, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says "Tree an' tree an' tree makes nine."
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go, sir" he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux says " Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree an' dirty tree an' dirty tree . . . dats 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go Mister, 100!"
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, Ha! Got him this time. "Oh now come on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and does his business by each tree . . . so now ya got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred. Now when do I start my new job?"

[Aggie]

At the post office there was one employee whose job was to deal with letters that had no proper address.
One morning he found a letter simply addressed to “God.”
Curious, he opened it.
Inside it read:
“Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow living on a tiny pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse and it had $100 in it — all the money I had until my next payment.
Christmas is coming and I invited two friends for dinner. Without that money I can’t buy any food.
I have no family left, so you’re my only hope.
Love, Edna.”
The postal worker was so touched he showed the letter to the rest of the staff.
They all chipped in what they could, and together managed to raise $96.
They put the money in an envelope and sent it anonymously to Edna.
Everyone felt great knowing they had helped make her Christmas dinner possible.
A few days after Christmas another letter arrived… again addressed to God.
The whole office gathered around as it was opened.
It read:
“Dear God,
Thank you so much for your kindness. Because of your help I was able to cook a lovely Christmas dinner for my friends.
We had a wonderful day and I told everyone about your generosity.
P.S. There was $4 missing…
…but I’m sure those no good, thieving b*stards at the Post Office took it.”

[Aggie]

First off I am okay. Understandably, a little shaken this afternoon. I was robbed at the gas station near my house. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Sheriff’s Dept. The whole thing was caught on camera. The officers were quick to respond and calmed me down, explaining this is happening everywhere. My money is gone, all of it, but I am alive, that’s all that matters. The police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes.….
It was pump number 2

[Aggie]

Once upon a time, there was a man who built a bridge over a wide river. He set up a gate and charged a toll—one silver coin from anyone who wanted to cross to the other side. The locals grew to resent him; eventually, they stopped speaking to him altogether, bitter about every coin they had to part with.
When the man was on his deathbed, he called for his son.
"I haven't been kind to people, son," he whispered. "They hated me while I lived. I’d like them to have something good to say about me once I’m gone. Can you make that happen?"
"Don't worry, Dad," the son promised. "I’ll make sure of it."
The man passed away and was buried. Immediately after the funeral, the son took over the bridge. But instead of lowering the price, he tripled it. He began charging three coins for every crossing.
From that day on, whenever the villagers crossed the bridge, they would sigh and shake their heads.
"Man," they’d say. "The old man was a saint...He only asked for one coin!"

[Aggie]

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-10 about 62 miles west of Kerrville Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to West Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Ingram Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

[Aggie]

TEXAS CAUTION:
In regard to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...
Before you come to Texas to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, around the rural and well, All of TEXAS There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing in our river bottoms, hill country, mountains or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
On the Texas Coast, Bull Sharks are bigger than Jaws & way more aggressive. The Beaches are overrun with Portuguese Man of War Jelly Fish & the Sting Rays are as big as a Volkswagen Beetle.
Our lakes are full of gators, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.
Texas Mountain Lions have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.
Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.
The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local area.