Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole

[EddieDingo]

These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"

"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied.  "Plus six cents for the tax."

"Oh," said the blonde.  "I wondered how they kept them on."

[Aggie]

SO YOU COWARDS think you're tough because you jumped me ??? Waited for me to be alone... in the back of my own home??? I still handled all of you, left 3 of you on the ground laid out in blood !! You're lucky I took some hits to my face and back of my neck. But only lost a little blood. You lost more. I don't have any marks on my face. I have some on my arms and legs but so what!!!! I bet you didn't expect me to swing back since it was 6 against one. You should have known better!!! I might be 66 but I have a lot of fight left in me! Yeah I'm not gonna lie, I was getting a little tired, but I kept on swinging and made sure you got yours... Little Punks!!! All I have to say is you started this and I finished it. I hate mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are not my friends.

[Aggie]

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck's house and said, "Sorry son, I have some bad news, the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Okay then, Just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.
A month later the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his five dollars back."

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

Two cousins go to the unemployment office.

The unemployment official asks the first cousin what he does, and he says “pilot.”

The official tells him they can get him a job immediately.

The official asks second cousin what he does, and he says “woodcutter.” The official tells him it may be difficult to place him because woodcutting is not really a specialty.

“Well you said you could get my cousin a job right away.”

The official tells him there is a great demand for pilots, but not woodcutters.

The second cousin says “Well, if I don’t cut it, he can’t pile it”.

[Aggie]

The other day I locked my coat hanger in my Suburban, good thing I had my keys.

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

A young Catholic woman goes into the confessional and is crying. The priest is wondering what is wrong. She says, Father I am pregnant. He asked her, how did this happen? She said it must be the second coming. He said, my child what do you mean by that? She said, it has to be the second coming because I swallowed the first.

[Aggie]

I sent one of those ancestry groups information for my family tree they sent me some seeds and suggested I start over.

[Aggie]

If the earth is the third planet from the sun, so does that make every country a third world country?

[Aggie]

Grandma's letter
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't' honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma

[Aggie]

When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."

"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.

"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.

"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.