Ya-ya. Settle down everybody settle down. You'll get your turn, settle down. Just take a number and get in line. I'm sure you'll work it out.
HeeHee! Oboy. eeYah.
aYugh. Well. Say, somebody asked me the other day if I thought it was all that bad. Ya-ya. She said she finally understood what I was saying and really wanted to know: Do I think it's really that bad?
Wanna know what I told her? Yes? No? Not sure? Heh! I don't blame ya. That's right I did, I told her no, I don't think it's that bad, it's really much much worse.
Haa ha. eeYah.
It's gotten so bad out there I just had to take a hostage myself. Everybody has one, it's like they are some new urban accessory or something. So ya I did I took a hostage. Ya. Well. Ya. I did I took a hostage I did because everybody has one and now I'm not sure what to do. I mean, what do you do with a hostage really?
I dunno. Say, here's an idea -
Ya, that's it, gimme a dollar and I'll let the hostage go. Ya-ya. Well, thats how it works, right? So. O. What, you've got a dollar? Why thanks. Here's the hostage.
Now the bad news. You know there is bad news right? I mean, common, you've been conditioned to expect it right? Ya-ya, that's it, and here it is. Next week I'll be back with another hostage, and then I'll want 2 dollars, not just one.
Ya-ya. Anywayz . . .
Ya she did, she asked if I thought thiings were really that bad and I said DUH
no I didn't I didn't say that sit down fer chrisesake.
But she did she asked and I told yer ya. I did, I told her ya, and guess what. It seems I've made a mistake. Ya. Ya, because now all of the surveillance cameras are staring at her. Ya. She's on a suicide watch.
O wait. Maybe that's me. Yaa. I'm the one on suicide watch. Heehee eeYah. Hey buddy, turn the camera off will ya? The glare is bothering me.
So ya things have, they have gotten pretty bad. So bad in fact that once I let it slip I had a hostage no one seemed to care. Ya. It seems we don't ask for proof of life anymore. You know what that is, right? Ya. Ya well we don't, no. Instead everyone wants proof of death. Without it they just tell ya to just piss off, you get nothing.
Ya ya. It's gotten so bad they want proof of death today. Ya. It's like asking for a resume or something, and that's how bad it is. Hee hee! eEYah. That's how bad it is.
Ya ya. So that's how bad things have gotten. Ya. It's so bad that any day now I expect a Branch Davidian style mass suicide, only this one will be so wide spread and stuff that the only way to explain it will be to call it the Rapture
. Ya-ya. You know what that is right? No? YOu DOn't? You've never heard of The Rapture? Well all I can say is go ask the Christian Coalition. Ya-ya. Between them and the republican party they have it all worked out. Try voting once in a while. O wait. No, they don't want you to do that either, I forgot.
And they have hostages. Ya. I forgot. Just look at Sarah Palin. They have hostages fer chrissake.
Ya. So you know. I did, I took a hostage. I mean, you know, I just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else, right? Sure. There's one problem. Ya. It seems I don't have a resume.
Ya. So now I've got this hostage and I don't have a resume, and so of course, everyone wants to know: So what? Who cares? Ya-ya. Things have gotten so bad no one wants to know who the hostage is, they just wanna know Who Cares?
Ya-ya. It seems no one really cares anymore, and do you know why? Because everybody has one today that's why. Ya-ya. So no one really knows if anyone really cares or not, or who the hostage is or what happens to him, no. No they aren't sure about any of that so it seems to find out they've all gone shopping.
Ya. They've all gone SHOPPING. Haahaa. eeYah. What, you don't know what that means? Trust me. You don't wanna know. Heee ee. No, no you don't. Just stay home. You'll be fine.
Ya. They've all gone shopping to find out Who Cares, and as an after thought: Well, who is it anyway? And it turns out I'm not too bright, and I don't have a resume, so whaddo yaknow? It turns out the hostage is me. Ya. Sure. I mean, why not? I work alone, right? Ya. So?
Ya. Well. Ya. See. The audience gets it. See? Half of you are screaming Kill The Hostage right now. See? Ya. What a bright bunch of people we have here today. They catch on quick, don't they? eeYah.
So that's how it'll happen right? The Rapture
I mean. Ya. We'll all go shopping, come down with a bad case of nerves, and as a result half of us will take ourselves hostage. Sure, I mean why not? Most of you aren't any smarter than I am, right? So what else are ya gonna do? Right? Sure. I mean, everyone wants to fit in so of course, we'll all take ourselves hostage. And because some of us are so obsessed with questions regarding the nature of Free Will and ancient mythology like Cassandra, we'll take ourselves hostage and then half of us will kill the hostage when we find out they aren't really worth anything. Ya-ya. It's called
Deflation. eeYah. Market saturation. We've got too many hostages. Haa Aaa. Yah.
Well, it isn't like it hasn't happened before. No, no it isn't. It happened somewhere around 1700 years ago. Yah. Once the Christian philosophy subverted the Roman empire to its way of thinking they stopped feeding Christians to the lions. But not everyone it seems bought into that way of thinking and those people still needed to be entertained. Sure. And Caesar was kind of irritated with the whole state of affairs anyway, so he thought, Okay. Have it your way. So he sent out some guys to subvert the Christian masses by convincing them that God would be found by leaping off some cliff. Some of them believed it and they leapt, with great joy, and they just kept on leaping.
Ya-ya. Leaping. It's an engineering term. You don't know what that means? Well, it's just that. It's leaping. Sir, sit down. If you don't get it that's fine, but we can't have you jumping up and down like that. No no. There'll be no leaping here.
Ya-ya. Anyway. That's I guess what happened. It's true too, and that's how we ended up with laws against suicide. It goes back to about 300 ad in Rome. Ya. Which is fine, I mean laws are good you know, up to a point, sure they are. Ya. Except that it seems we've forgotten what the lesson was and now we have to repeat history. Ya.
You sir, ya you. You with the bald head. Ya. It shines like a beacon. You really should have studied while you were in school. Ya. Cuz now we're in trouble and it's all your fault. eeYah.
So any-way-z. Ya. So I've got this hostage and no one really knows how much this hostage is worth. They've all gone shopping to find out. Ya. What do you think? One million? Ten? How much did you say? Ya, that's it, you don't know either. They don't tell us anything, do they? No, no they don't. Well, it seems like the iconography guys in the back room are working on it. Lets just hope they can count that high. Ha ha. eeYah.
Ya. So here's an idea. How about if we just end the War on Drugs and Free the Butterflies? What? You think I should hold out for the cash huh? Ya? Well, there ya go. That's how bad it's gotten. Ha ha. eeYah.
Ya. So I don't know what the hostage is really worth and obvously the audience has no idea, but the iconographers in the back room are working on it, but the math is complicated. It is, and it seems the solution to the problem is Over My Paygrade. Ya. I don't know what that means yet, but maybe it means something.
Ya. Maybe. Maybe it means I need to get paid more. What do you think?
Ya-ya. So I don't know what's gonna happen so I guess I'll just sit here on the Bar-B-? and wait for someone to come along and lite me up. Ya-ya.
Got any hotdogs?
What's the word? Shop till ya Drop - eeYah, That's IT! CRAZY!
HAAaa Haaa haa! Hee hee! WHEEEeeee! CrAzY isn't It? Just plain CRAZY!
© D. Winter
July 5, 2009