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Battle of the sexes 385 Replies
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Comment by Aggie on October 21, 2020 at 10:20am
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On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. Bob Hope replied: "Surprise me."
I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and it has been almost 17 years since he died.
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your grandparents and thanks for the memories.
This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference....
ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”
ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."
ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Dear Lord -
Please give me a sense of humor,
give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk.
To the person receiving this, please have the grace to pass it on to others.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, keep one hand on your wallet and don't worry about tomorrow..
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Comment by flippr 2.0 on September 23, 2020 at 3:19am
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oh brother!
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A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they called 'Yam'.Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
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OK!
Here it is!
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A COMMONTATER
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Pothole with Texas pride
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Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my coffee, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up buttercup! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”
We will survive!!
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Sometimes Bigfoot is confused with Sasquatch... Yeti never complains!
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glad i'm right-handed,it's cheaper.
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funny aftertaste?
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