WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO OCTOPUS

[Mark Joel Lane]

North Shore Hospital in Manhasset , New York has confirmed that in one of the most bizarre medical mysteries ever, a Mrs. Rachel Smith, of Great Neck has given birth to a 6 pound 5 ounce octopus. !!! Doctors here at the hospital are baffled, to say the least. The baby Octopus,named Octavia,has 3 hearts,four pairs of arms,and a healthy set of gills and lungs enabling Octavia to breathe in or out of water. This is the first case of a human giving birth to a cephlapod on record on Long Island. Brooklyn,naturally has had a few. For those not familiar  with cross species breeding, there are numerous examples. They include the dog faced boy, the wolfman, the birdman of Alcatraz, the elephant man, a relative of Tarzan,(a monkey's uncle),Michael Jordan, Pee Wee Herman, and seedless watermelons. Mrs. Smith has confessed of experimenting with injecting her body years ago when she was a hippie with drugs like LSD and mescaline. Perhaps drugs played a part in this incredible metamorphosis. Before doctors told her she was pregnant,(the father being one of several boyfriends).initial tests revealed a normal human fetus .Mrs. Smith had allegedly eaten some possible tainted calamari from Red Lobster right after her pregnancy was believed to have begun. . Scientists believe a DNA mutation infiltrated the placenta and was somehow absorbed resulting in the octopus embryo. Despite her sordid past,Rachel is a woman of strong religious beliefs. A moyel was present at the necessary cesarean delivery. He made the wise decision NOT to circumcise as Octavia came out...tentacles first. Mrs. Smith has not yet decided to keep Octavia in a crib or an aquarium with her pet goldfish once Octavia is allowed to leave the hospital..within a day or two according to one of the top sturgeons,(I mean surgeons), here. Hopes for Octavia being in the special Olympics is one of her mom's desires and to be a professor of icthyology when she grows up. Let's all give Octavia a high eight.

[Julia A Knaake]

Mark

in your spare time do you write for the National Inquirer?

It it still around?

Ma used to read that stuff and would be thrilled reading this piece.

[Mark Joel Lane]

I wish I could quit my dreary underpaid unappreciated redundant job in the supermarkets and do what I really love...to write..But even Reader's Digest never accepted any of my smaller articles. Believe me, I've tried submitting my humor to many places...local newspapers sometimes print my zany stories.No money....but I get the satusfaction of seeing my name in print. Any ideas? Know anybody that works for MAD orCRACKED magazine?